Oklahoma Republicans Order “Fuck Rape Victims” Cake to Celebrate Passing Total Abortion Ban

*satire

OKLAHOMA CITY, OKLAHOMA — In celebration of their passing a bill that if signed into law would effectively end abortion in their state, Oklahoman Republicans in the state government celebrated with a party, balloons, streamers, and cake decorated with a message that has raised some eyebrows, “Fuck Rape Victims! We won a moral victory over women’s rights to control their own reproductive decisions!”

SB 1552, which passed through the overwhelmingly Republican state legislature, if signed by Gov.¬†Mary Fallin, also a Republican, would effectively end abortions in Oklahoma. That’s because the bill would revoke the medical license of any doctor who performs an abortion for any reason other than a miscarriage or the severe medical trauma to the mother or developing fetus. Criminal charges could in fact be levied as well.

To celebrate this momentous occasion, State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen told reporters that the party he and his fellow Republicans held was “not meant to disparage victims of rape” but rather to “put the life of a potential human in a place higher than that of a fully developed, actual human.”

“We weren’t saying ‘Fuck rape victims’ because we like that they were raped, we were saying it more like, ‘Oh, fuck them, life is not not all about them, and neither is rape if it brings about a sweet, sweet rape baby’,” Thompaulsen insisted. “If we don’t live in a country where we can’t use our religious beliefs about an issue to rob women of their right to control their own bodies and lives, then we don’t live in America anymore!”

Gov. Fallin has given no indication that she will or won’t sign SB 1552, but Thompaulsen hopes she will, despite the all but certain legal battle that would ensure from opponents of the bill. The fight over SB 1552 is one that would reach the Supreme Court, and that is particularly ironic given who crashed the celebration.


“I’m sitting there minding my owns,” Thompaulsen said, “eating a really delicious piece of cake, and who walks in? Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, with a giant copy of the Constitution around her neck on a chain.”

Thompaulsen told the media that Justice Ginsberg showed up unannounced, and she was not “in any mood to take any shit.”

“She started swinging her Constitution around the chain on her neck,” Thompaulsen said, “and she was asking everyone, ‘Any of you motherfuckers actually know how this shit works? And no, I don’t mean how you wish it worked, where I don’t have a job. I mean, like real life, where the Supreme Court gets to decide if you’re passing bullshit laws or not.'”

According to State Rep. Thompaulsen, Ginsberg at one point got out a smart phone and Googled “Roe Vs. Wade.” She passed it around to everyone in attendance.

“See this shit, guys? This made abortion a Constitutional right, which means your brazen disregard for the mental health of rape victims aside, you also just passed a wholly unconstitutional law. You have any idea how much money your broke-ass state is going to waste fighting this? In case you missed it, Scalia died not that long ago, and if you think a Republican president is going to ride to your rescue and fill his spot with another conservative, you don’t know voter demographics for shit. I strongly suggest you back the fuck up, get this bill off Fallin’s desk and focus on getting people in your state real, good paying jobs. Or not, and I’ll see your bitch asses in SCOTUS-Land in a year or so. Your call. Ginsberg out.”

With that, Ginsberg dropped the Constitution on a chain she was wearing, snapped her fingers, and two men came out and put a robe over her shoulders, guiding her out of the room with “We Are the Champions” suddenly blaring, though no stereo was to be found in the room at all.

This is a developing story.


Republished from The Political Garbage Chute.

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About James Schlarmann 1408 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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