Open Letter To Republicans About Bill Clinton’s Wandering Dick

Dear Republicans,

Don’t go there, girlfriend. You’re going to want to just leave Bill Clinton’s womanizing ways alone this time around, trust me. You’re not going to win in November, and you won’t gain traction with thinking Americans if during her presidency you attack Hillary for Bill’s wandering dick. You’ll try it though, because you’re all very aware of how old your voting blocs are. You’re all keenly tuned into the fact that your party has hated the Clintons for decades, and now you think the country will again sit idly by and watch another hypocritical sex crusade perpetrated by America’s right-wingers.

You’re wrong about that.

The problem for you Republicans is that contrary to your beliefs, time moves forward. Since 1998, there have been nearly twenty years that have passed. And so not only has the idea of a blowjob inquisition become even more farcical and comical than it was then, but the three lead horsemen in that particularly fundamentalist hayride have all been found out to be harboring sexual skeletons of their own.

Denny Hastert, the guy Newt “Fucking Callista In The Parking Lot While I Call Out Bill Clinton’s Adultery” Gingrich hand-picked to carry on his legacy? Well, he’s now a convicted sex offender. Oops. We already covered Newt’s hypocrisy in the first sentence of this paragraph, and then there’s Bob Livingston. He was going to be Gingrich’s replacement before Hastert took that spot. But then literally the same day he, Gingrich, and Hastert got their coveted impeachment vote Livingston resigned from Congress. Anyone want to guess why he quit?

An extramarital affair. Oops. Again.

But let’s just pretend that Gingrich, Livingston, and Hastert’s sexual skeletons are irrelevant, even though they’re not. Do you know what really is irrelevant? Bill’s womanizing in relation to Hillary’s president-ing. I’m not even that strong a Hillary backer, in all honesty. I’m mainly voting for her because of how disgusting Trump is, and not wanting to any way help putting that orange bag of sharts in office. But you don’t have to be a Hillary Hawk to see right-wing attacks on her over Bill’s wandering dick as shameless, desperate, and ultimately meaningless in the grand scheme of things.




Hillary can, should, and will be judged based on her own abilities, actions, and decisions. I know that Hillary’s not exactly the most well-loved and respected probable president we’ve had in our country’s history, but most people really do understand that concept…because it’s so simple. Hillary isn’t Bill and Bill isn’t Hillary. Otherwise, I’m sure Trey Gowdy would have figured some way to drag Slick Willy’s ass up to testify at the Benghazi hearings.

Ultimately though, it just comes down to the hypocrisy factor. The simple truth is that in the 20 years or so since the Lewinksy Affair, several prominent Republican elected officials have faced sexual scandals of their own. Not that Democrats haven’t either, but typically Democrats aren’t the ones leading moral crusades over a politician’s sexual affairs. There’s a difference between pointing out glaring hypocrisy and preaching against something.

It rings hollow now when a Republicans go after Clinton for his penacular past. It’s such an old story, and one filled mostly with innuendo and conspiracy theory than cold, hard fact. Bill Clinton The Womanizer rhetoric is stale, but it’s pretty much the same as their new “Hillary Clinton is on death’s door” shtick. A whole of lot of smug condescension but a whole dearth of evidence is all you get out of right-wingers when you ask for specifics on Hillary’s ailments. You get the same blank stares and sputtering when you ask for evidence of Bill’s raping past, by the way…mostly from the same people.

So I guess, in the end, it doesn’t matter that I’m here to tell you how fruitless the endeavor will be. You will spend the next nine weeks or so desperately slinging every inch of mud you can find at Hillary, and if it happens to be about her husband, that’s fine too. Because you figured out long ago you don’t need to deal with reality, you just need to create an alternative one where Vince Foster is just one body on a pile, Hillary’s on her death bed, and Bill literally can’t go five minutes without plunging his dick into a different woman.

I’d say it’s sad, but at this point, sad is a very underwhelming adjective to use for Republicans. I’d say it’s pathetic, but it’s also par for the course now. The same delusions that feed their desire to “make America great again” are the same delusions that fuel their belief that supply side economics works for the middle class, that Benghazi is a thing real Americans care about, or that there’s even a thing like “real Americans” in the first place.

So have at, Republicans. It’s only yourselves you’re embarrassing, and Sarah Palin taught us eight years ago you have lost all of your ability to feel shame whatsoever.


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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About James Schlarmann 1472 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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