President Snowflake’s Praying For Arnie’s Ratings; I’m Praying For Trump’s Age And Lifestyle To Catch Up With Him

Trumps Budget

This is going to probably become a boring theme over however long Trump is in office, but this morning we got yet another example of his tremendous pettiness. At the National Prayer Breakfast — the existence of which totally proves how hostile to Christianity this country has become — President Snowflake ribbed movie star Arnold Schwarzenegger about the ratings for the “The Apprentice” since Schwarzenegger took over for Trump this year.

As reported by CNN, Trump joked that we should pray for the ratings to improve on his former show. First, he had to tell everyone how he was single-handedly keeping the ratings up, and then he bashed Arnie at a prayer breakfast.

“We know how that turned out,” Trump said, knocking Schwarzenegger. “The ratings went right down the tubes. It has been a disaster.”
Trump then turned to the audience and said: “I want to just pray for Arnold … for those ratings.” (source)

Ha-ha Donny! Good one! So very presidential and Christian of you to attack Arnold in that venue. I can totally see now why the Religious Right is lining up to suck your dick. You’re so goddamned holy and pious.

You know what? If I have to suffer through a bully’s presidency, and if I have to be incessantly bombarded with him insulting and mocking people, fuck the normal rules of decorum.

Now, I’m not a dummy, so please keep in mind what I’m about to write isn’t a threat, not even in the slightest. I’m not dumb enough to attack the leader of the free world, nor do I want a single, solitary person to make an attempt on his life. But, that being said…

…it would sure be nice if Trump’s age and unhealthy lifestyle were to catch up with him. Soon. And I’ll pray to every God I don’t believe in that it happens. Soon.

I’m done playing nice with people who don’t play nice. I’m done being the servile liberal while our president floats executive orders that would give federal employees the right to discriminate against gay people as long as they clutch their bibles while doing it. Racist, horrible people clutched their bibles while they forced Jim Crow on the black community. They clutched their bibles for decades while they oppressed the LGBTQ+ community. Fuck them. It’s not happening again, not on my watch.

So please, just allow me to turn my attention to Susan. She’s who I call “God,” since I don’t, you know, believe God is a real thing. Anyway, I’m going to just say a little prayer to Susan now, if you don’t mind. Of course you don’t. You’re probably not even reading this. Anyway.

Hi Susan,

It’s me, James. So, first off, as always I know you really don’t have any power to do any of this and I’m just really talking to myself…but thanks for always being there for me. Anyway, Susan, we have this problem down here on Earth. His name is Donald Trump.

Unto himself, Trump would probably just be your garden variety piece of shit rich guy. He stiffs people who work for him. He trades in wives when they get too fat or old for him, and that’s after years of infidelity on his part. He literally only cares about himself, and that’s obvious from the way he won’t shut the fuck up about his TV ratings or his deeply-held and completely farcical belief that he actually won the popular vote.

But he’s not a danger unto himself. He has surrounded himself with people who allies of a country that has no respect for human freedom. He has made good buddies with and even lowered the sanctions on a country whose leader has people killed when they dissent. That scares me, Susan, as someone who often spits in the face of authority, no matter which party rules at the time.

He’s a danger to world order. He’s beating up on Australia of all countries and they’re as close to American as you can get. Loud, opinionated, but generally really friendly and lovely people, the Ozzies. Trump’s threatening to send federal forces to Chicago and the Mexican border, both places they’re not needed. He’s threatening free speech by saying he’ll cut funding to UC Berkeley as if they hired rioters to come shut down a Milo Yianyourapieceashitpolis speech.

I want him gone, but I don’t think Congress has the spine to do it, no matter how clearly unhinged, unqualified, and dangerous he is for this country.  But, now, I’m not a violent person, Susan. You know that. So, I’m asking you for a favor.

Trump is old. He doesn’t eat well or exercise. Pictures of him make me look like svelte, sexy, urbane man. It would seem that a 70 year old man who eats shit food and doesn’t work out is already a ticking timebomb in terms of his health…so…yeah…what can you do here, Susan? You got any tricks to speed up time for just one guy? Please say you do.

Or you know, if you don’t want to listen to my prayer to have Trump’s lifestyle and age catch up with him sooner than later, how about just taking me to Mars. Or Pluto. Or…Canada? Can you teleport me to Canada, Susan? I’d like my wife and kids to come too, please. 

Let me know what you think.

In Susan’s Name I Pray,

Amen.





Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.



Comments

comments

About James Schlarmann 1346 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
Twitter Auto Publish Powered By : XYZScripts.com