Dear President Trump: Just. Fucking. Resign.

Hi Donald,

Just quit. Now’s the time for you to quit. The thing is, I have no doubt that it’s entirely possible you had no earthly fucking clue you were doing something so stupid and inept as to divulge highly sensitive, important intelligence secrets to the Russian envoys who met with you last week. In case your doddering, diarrhea and racist Breitbart headline packed brain can’t remember, that was the meeting you held, without the U.S. press corps, took pictures with literally one of the guys implicated in the hacking of our election, and then published those pictures without telling you.

Oh, and that was the day after you fired the guy who was investigating you.

I said that I had no doubt it’s possible you did all that unwittingly because, as it’s becoming so incredibly clear and unavoidable to all but your most slack-jawed of mouthbreathing sycophants: YOU ARE IN WAY THE FUCK OVER YOUR SKIS. Because you’re stupid and inept, I can totally buy that you did something stupid and inept with no ill-intent whatsoever. It makes a lot of sense to me, actually, that a man who was born rich, never had to work for literally anything in his life, and had never been held accountable for anything would basically never acquire any real life skills and therefore suck at any job he did, no matter what his lapdogs said to the contrary.

Then again, you won’t release your taxes. You keep making tactical errors that look more like trolling the left. And there have been people in your inner circle who had to either quit their jobs or “recuse” themselves from investigations because they lied about you and Russia. I say “recuse” in quotes there because if your big-eared, racist cookie elf fuckwit moron Attorney General had a hand in firing Comey his recusal was worth about as much as a Trump Steak washed down with Trump Water while you get your degree from Trump University.

I get it now. I get what the fuck happened last year. A bunch of selfish dicks who didn’t like the way their country was headed — i.e. to a more inclusive, liberty-minded society — and they were so desperate to keep the Supreme Court balance they elected a toddler. They chose to put a man in office that goes against literally everything they taught me to believe decades ago in order to do…what? Stave off their decline because demographics don’t lie, that’s what.

So a bunch of craven, hypocritical, misguided people put you in office. That doesn’t mean you have to ride this bullshit out, dude. You can quit. Just ask Sarah Palin for directions on how to do it if you’re unable to pry your eyes away from Fox News or your daughter’s ass long enough to do it yourself. It’s time. This is only going to get worse. There is no shame, really, in telling everyone the job is way harder than you thought it would be and for the good of the country you are quitting.




I don’t even care, really so much, that the Lantern-Jawed Bigot and AIDS outbreaking douchebag Mike Pence would become our president. Something tells me he’s got a date with Spiro Agnew later, but even if he doesn’t, he’ll be one and done. The Senate, if you keep bumblefucking your way through life, will most certainly go blue. Your party BARELY holds a lead there, dick, and the more outright, galling incompetence you show, the more assured the Democrats’ victory is.

Let me guess, Dumb Donny, you didn’t realize this isn’t “The Apprentice” and you can’t just do shit to make yourself look cool on set? Or maybe you thought your mom and dad could come in and bail you out again? Whatever your rationale was, from outright treason to incompetence — THE TIME HAS MOTHERFUCKING COME FOR YOU TO GO.

Believe me, homey, you’ll feel better. And the thing is, if you do it voluntarily, you’ll get a pardon from the next president and it all works out okay. In fact, if you quit, you can tell your followers that you’re doing this on your own accord and they can chill and not start riots and do stupid shit like try to kick up another civil war and shit.

I mean, I have no faith that you have the ability to do something that means you think about everyone else first…but…hey, a shlubby comedian whose nursing a lung infection can always dream, right?

Just slip out the back, Jack-off.

Make a new plan, Tiny Hands.

Don’t need to be coy, Man-boy, just listen to me.

Hop on the bus, Gus, don’t need to grab another puss

Just drop off the key, Comrade Pee Pee, and get yourself free.


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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About James Schlarmann 1452 Articles

Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.

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