President Trump Urges Cops to Grab Female Suspects By Their Pussies

*Satire*

This blatant satire first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Coming out of the clubhouse at Trump National Golf Course in the nation’s capital, President Trump doubled-down and amplified a message he gave to a gathering of police officers in Long Island last week.

While delivering a speech on crime and punishment that heavily featured anecdotes about the drug cartel known as “MS-13,” Trump said he doesn’t want to see cops be “too nice.” The president even suggested at one point that officers should be physically abusive with suspects once they are cuffed. Several police groups sharply rebuked the president’s message, but as he was headed out to the first tee Sunday morning, Trump dismissed those criticisms and delved deeper into what he’d like to see police officers do during arrests.

“I like police officers who don’t respect a suspect’s constitutional right to due process,” Trump said, “and you know what? I think it’s time for those cucks to leave.”


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A reporter asked the president if he felt even female suspects should be treated with less respect and physically harmed more by police. Trump laughed. Then he answered.

“Are you from the FAKE NEWS,” Trump asked, “because a question that makes me feel weird inside, some weird feeling where I feel almost, un-proud of what I just said? That’s FAKE NEWS. But to answer your question — yes.”

Another reporter picked up the line of questioning.

“Mr. President,” the reporter asked, “Can you give us an example of how cops should treat female suspects. You mentioned officers slamming suspects heads into their squad cars after they’re cuffed. Do you mean something like that for female suspects?”

Trump nodded.

“Hell yeah,” Trump said, “If you’re a cop and you see a female suspect, you gotta move on her like a bitch. Grab her by the pussy and yank her into that squad car if you have to.”

President Trump indicated he doesn’t believe the clause in the 8th Amendment of the Bill of Rights does not pertain to suspects during arrests. Trump said that “according to lawyers getting paid bigly to tell [him] what [he] wants to hear,” as president he can order anything and it’s lawful. Trump said he’s stopping short of ordering abuse “for now,” but that things can change according to his whim, which he also said his lawyers told him is completely valid legal reasoning.


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“Look, the bottom line is that we gotta be harder on suspects, not easier,” Trump said, “unless they’re suspected of colluding with a foreign adversary during an election and they have to release an email chain to the press before a FAILING New York Times article outs a meeting that maybe some dumb ass kid that I’ve never liked and begged my wife at the time to abort took with a Russian lawyer. That dumb ass kid, dumb ass as he is, doesn’t deserve police brutality. He’s rich for chrissake.”

House Speaker Paul Ryan called Trump’s comments this morning “totally grody” and “douchebaggy to the max,” but also shrugged his shoulders.

“But what are you gonna do? At least he’s not Hillary and her emails,” Ryan said, “am I right?”

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About James Schlarmann 1433 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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