Thanks For Proving Your Pro-Life Credentials By Punishing Kids Twice This Week, GOP!

Pious-ass motherfucking Republicans are always up in our shit about abortion because, as they say, every life has a right to exist. Apparently though, once that life finishes gestating and enters the world, their philosophy goes from “Life is Worth Protecting At All Costs” to “Fuck Them All, I Got Mine, And Fuck You For Looking At Me When I Said That Just Now.” Twice this week the Grand Old Asshole Party has decided that their ideology and policy goals require punishing kids.

The first anti-child move that the Republicans took this week was to advance House Bill 610. In a nutshell, this bill would start to tear down the traditional public school structures and programs in an effort to privatize education. But it gained infamy this week when it was discovered among the projected impacts of this bill would be a dramatic scaling down of the number of free lunches offered to low income children in schools.

PBS reported on the story this week, and summarized the bill like this:

Legislation debated by the House Education and Workforce Committee aims to save money by scaling back the number of schools in which all students receive free or reduced meals. It would also help schools that say the Obama administration’s healthier meal rules are too restrictive and not appealing enough to students. (source)

Basically, Republicans in the House are trying to cut government spending by hurting the people who have the least amount of real or political power to stop it — poor children. Not only do poor people have to fight to get representation in their government, poor children are simply turned into pawns. If Republicans want to drug test welfare recipients, not only is it a massive waste of time and money, it also will only really hurt children if their parents don’t get their welfare check that week.

It’s kind of hilarious in a really sad and tragic way that the same people who claim to be “pro-life,” don’t really care about cutting poor kids’ lunches. They must think the magical divine invisible hand of the market will feed those kids all on their own. But I wonder what their lord and savior Jesus H. Christ would think about their galling lack of empathy for kids. I wonder whether he’d agree that asking rich people to either stop stuffing taxable income in offshore accounts or to pay a few cents more per dollar is tantamount to slavery, but that not feeding poor kids is just good governmental policy.

Something tells me Christ himself would tell the GOP to go fuck themselves, in a most holy way.

But the GOP wasn’t done shitting all over powerless kids, no sirree. Now their standard bearer, the de facto head of their party, is rescinding President Obama’s guidance to schools around the country to give transgender kids access to the bathrooms that suit their identified gender. Because nothing says “small government” like barging in on children when they’re shitting, right, conservatives?

The right’s entire argument that they should be allowed to legislate bathroom habits is that they’re doing to “protect” children and women from sexual assault. So by rescinding Obama’s orders, Trump has essentially said that the position of his administration is that transgender people, but in this specific case transgender children are more likely to commit some kind of sexual assault in a public bathroom than non-transgender people.

That assertion, by the way, is utter fucking nonsense. The first person who can provide me with actual FBI statistics that in any way, shape or, form, show a higher likelihood for a transgender person regardless of their age to commit a sexual assault wins a golden middle finger from me BECAUSE THEY DO NOT FUCKING EXIST. If it sounds like I’m angry, I am, but honestly I’m equal parts exhausted and a little bit entertained by their naked hypocrisy.

The one thing Republicans never want us doing is generalizing and assuming things about them. Don’t assume they’re all one thing or another, they say, and you know what? It’s good advice that liberals should take. We need to build roads with thinking, moderate Republicans who see what a giant shit sandwich their party is now. But Republicans sure do love generalizing about liberals, poor people, “urbans,” LGBTQ+ people, Muslims…the list is as long as Donald Trump’s dick is not.

So, let’s all take a moment and raise a glass to the balls of the Republicans who claim to be pro-life and then turn around and make two devastatingly harsh moves to punish kids this week.




Cheers! You insufferable Twat-Waffles.


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.




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About James Schlarmann 1346 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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