Dear Избранный-президент Trump: Clearly Putin Thought Hillary Would Be Tougher On Him Than You

Dear Избранный-президент Trump:

To be honest, your press conference was such a dizzying miasma of bullshit, more bullshit, lies wrapped in bullshit, and question dodging that I feel a little dazed and confused at the moment. It’s shocking, alarming, but ultimately not all that surprising that despite telling the press that you accept that Vladimir Putin directed hacking in an attempt to get you elected you wouldn’t rebuke him. All you care about is yourself.

You’re an old, withered, tiny-handed, feckless egomaniac, and you’re not only unqualified for the job, you’re willing to be the loud mouthed puppet for whomever strokes your ego.

But there was one thing you asked the reporters, that I think is worth focusing on because it demonstrates how deluded you and your sycophantic followers are. Sycophantic followers, I should say, that accused liberals of being in a cult of personality over Barack Obama. But, regardless, per Time’s transcript of your bizarre press conference, you asked the reporters and indeed the world this tremendously hilarious question.

I added the bold text for emphasis.

Now, I don’t know that I’m gonna get along with Vladimir Putin. I hope I do. But there’s a good chance I won’t. And if I don’t, do you honestly believe that Hillary would be tougher on Putin than me? Does anybody in this room really believe that? Give me a break. (source)

Whether or not all or just parts of the explosive and damning CNN and Buzzfeed reports are wholly factual, I have no idea, sir. Maybe you did hire Russian prostitutes to piss on a bed Obama slept in and maybe you didn’t. Without direct video evidence, who knows?

I do know, though, from your own Twitter feed that you’re a pig-headed, egomaniac and bully. I do know, from your own Twitter feed, that you are a callous, shallow, baby man of a human being. So do I think you’d do something so petty? Hell fucking yes I do. Do I know you did this extremely petty thing? I don’t.

But besides all that, you know who absolutely, positively thought Hillary would be tougher on Putin than you, Donald? Vladimir Putin. That’s who.

You don’t think Putin hand selected you as his bottom bitch out of the kindness of his heart, do you? You don’t think he picked you because you’re a charming and delightful soul right? Putin wanted you because you’re a boob. He wanted you because you’re an empty-headed, geriatric oligarch who will say and do anything as long as in your own, vapid mind you come out smelling like roses. But, well, now?

You smell like something far different, Donny.

Vladimir Putin had a favorite. You were that favorite. He clearly thought he was going to do better with you than with Hillary. Your incredulous and ridiculous rhetorical question implies the opposite, but reality dictates the truth. And the truth is — you’re Putin’s bitch and we all know it.

How sad and pathetic for you that with all the help you got from Vlad — piss play or no piss play — you couldn’t beat Hillary in the popular vote. Think about that. Russia was helping you spread idiotic and inane conspiracy theories about pedophilia rings and body counts to the unwashed, ill-informed, yet bombastic and opinionated masses….and you still fucking lost.

You know, I’m getting a little tired of your surrogates like B-Team Eva Braun Kellyanne Conway telling us to respect you and the office of the presidency. That line of logic can get fucked forthwith. You didn’t respect Obama. You smeared him with a racist lie for years, and now we’re supposed to respect you and ignore the craziness? Nope. Sorry.

Not even your pimp Vlad respects you, so why the fuck should we?

The thing is I know that the golden showers story may not be real. I know that even the whole document that Buzzfeed ran might not be real, but I don’t have any sympathy for you. I don’t think anyone who watched you openly taunt President Obama over his birth certificate will ever, ever have any fucks to give for you having your own character assassinated, whether you deserve it or not. Most of us, by the way, will assume you deserve it.

You don’t get to spend years besmirching Obama based on racist lies and then get my sympathy when and if you’re the victim of lies. Truthfully? The piss thing isn’t even the big story out of that CNN report. It’s the part about how your organization was in contact with Russia throughout the campaign. You know, the question you completely refused to answer at your shit show of a press conference just now?

Yeah. That question.

The bottom line, though, President-Elect Latrine Lover, is that most everyone knew Hillary would be tougher on Putin. Your own followers like to claim she was keen to start World War III with him. You can’t have it both ways. Either she’s a hard-as-nails war monger or she’s  a weak-kneed liberal. But no matter what, Donald, the entire planet — Vladimir Putin especially — knows you’ll never, ever stand up to him.




So yeah, I think Hillary would have been tougher on Vladimir Putin than you. A bag of dildos would be.

Your Pal,

Jambozo The Clown


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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About James Schlarmann 1349 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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