A Million LOLbertarians Cried Out in Terror, and Were Suddenly Silenced

FILE - This April 25, 2014 file photo shows Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky. speaking at the Harvard Kennedy School in Cambridge, Mass. Battling “the soft bigotry of low expectations” with national education goals was former Republican President George W. Bush’s campaign mantra. But many of his party’s would-be successors are calling for just the opposite of government-set rules, splitting the party over education policy as the GOP class of 2016 presidential hopefuls takes shape. Jeb Bush, who supports a national education policy, and Rand Paul, who abhors the idea, personify the divide. Forty-four states voluntarily participate in standards developed in part by GOP governors. (AP Photo/Stephan Savoia, File)

From a 50,000 foot view, Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) isn’t a half bad guy. He’s a Republican, but he resides in the party’s libertarian wing which means like a lot of libertarians he says a lot of stuff you immediately agree with. He sounds very normal, and for the most part unlike the people he’s leaving to fight it over the GOP’s nomination, he doesn’t sound crazy.

Until he sounds crazy.

But the funny part is that the crazy in Rand isn’t why his party abandoned him. His party abandoned him because he isn’t likable. Not really. He seemed affable enough on The Daily Show when he appeared on it recently, but ultimately Randy suffers from the same problems his fanboys and fangirls do — a complete lack of reality in their politics, all while telling the rest of us how delusional we are. But basically, Rand represents modern libertarianism which represents modern liberals…if you live in the 19th century.

Rand wouldn’t have made it in the general election, that’s a fact. Is that why his own party turned their backs on him? I have no idea. I can only assume that to Republicans, libertarians also come off as the arrogant, misanthropic adolescents who really think their one class in economics makes them able to handle that commie libtard Paul Krugman in a debate. That’s probably why no one gravitated toward Rand. He represents the doe-eyed optimism of people who think that we can’t look at history books and see what happens when you let big business self-regulate. The protections of the New Deal, and hell even the economic reform that Teddy Roosevelt pushed through were all the result of libertarian fiscal policies run amok.


It’s like libertarians never figured out that people already debunked their hilarious pipe dreams of how the economy works. I get the feeling they really believe they live on a Monopoly board, and that’s the simplistic way they want life to work. All the while decrying us for being so silly as to say that as the richest country in the world, we shouldn’t have any homeless people, let alone the millions we have living on the streets today.

But really, LOLberts, even if by some miracle your Golden Boy made it through the primaries, he would have hit a buzz saw in the likes of Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders that would have had you in tears…not that the salt water’s not streaming down your face today already. But you really would have been embarrassed in the General Election. Why? Because most thinking adults view hardcore libertarians as a bit scary and hilarious. Hilscaryous, if you will.

Libertarians push this notion that they just want to leave you alone, man. Except, Rand Paul supports legislation that strips a woman of her right to choose to have an abortion. He talks a good game on civil liberties in other areas, but like every other Republican these days, he seems to think small government means small enough to be crammed inside every vagina in the land. He also has had a habit of hiring white supremacists to run his campaigns, because you know, libertarians aren’t racists man, they just defend your right to be a gross racist. See? They’re not racists, they just tacitly encourage racism.

Truthfully though, if you’re a libertarian sad at the news this morning, I can’t help but laugh at you. This proves how disconnected you are. Because Rand is just a typical modern LOLbertarian. He says things that you agree with, and then he follows it up with stupid shit like calling taxation theft, or comparing universal health care to slavery for doctors. This is why most of us don’t take your movement seriously. You don’t speak about adult things — like taxes or healthcare — like adults do. You speak about them like petulant baby children.

Rand Paul was never going to be the President of the United States of America, and until libertarians figure out that they can be pro-pot and pro-liberty as much as they want, but if they still believe women are inferior by genes or by choice, that black people don’t suffer from systemic racism, and that poor people are poor because they’re not trying hard enough, no libertarian will sniff the Oval Office. It’s a fact they’ll have to deal with at some point. Or, like LOLbertarians do, they’ll find some reason to blame us all and our government-funded educations for their ideology’s shortcomings.

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About James Schlarmann 1507 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.
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