17 Red States Give Trump, Fucking Cousins At Gun Shows, Better Than 50% Approval Rating

*satire*


This satirical news story first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.


This morning, Gallup released an analysis of six months’ worth of polling data on President Donald Trump’s approval ratings. Thus far, seventeen states have averaged a 50% or higher rating, another seventeen have averaged a rating below 40%, and the rest of the 16 states have averaged a rating of about 40-49%. Gallup’s polling has found that Trump currently enjoys the lowest six-month approval rating for any president since they started tabulating presidential approval ratings. Trump has managed just a 38.8% approval rating for this time period.

On the heels of Gallup’s state by state approval rating analysis, another polling company cross referenced their own data with Gallup’s, and the results are quite interesting. In the seventeen states that have given Trump an approval rating of 50% or more, the same ratio of those polled agreed with having sex with first cousins at gun shows. This data seems to indicate the more likely someone is to be okay with fornicating with their cousin, the more likely they are to support Trump.

The polling in question was done by We Poll You So Hard, a non-partisan think tank in Colorado. Respondents were asked a bevy of questions about things they approved of and didn’t approve of, including government regulations on raw milk distribution, tax rates, the Affordable Care Act, environmental laws, and “Fucking Your First Cousin at a Gun Show.”  All of them received a more than 50% approval ratings in the seventeen states that saw Trump’s approvals at the same ratio.


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“This is pretty interesting data,” Dr. Benson Hornedieu, a political scientist and data analyst at the Institute of Analyzing Things told us via Skype, “because it seems to show a pretty strong correlation between fucking your cousin at a gun show and supporting Donald Trump. It also shows a correlation between calling pizza a vegetable and supporting Trump, thinking science is a liberal conspiracy and approving of Trump, and owning sixteen assault rifles and a shoulder fired rocket launcher and supporting Trump.”




As she was coming to the White House on her first official Monday as White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders praised the findings and said it proved “seventeen states in this great union understand the power of the president’s actions, and the enjoyment one gets from fucking their cousin at a gun show.”

“Hey y’all, this is a good thing as far as we’re concerned,” Huckabee Sanders said, “It shows that about half of the people living in 34% of the states like the president and approve of what he’s doing. That’s like half the people who like Honey Boo Boo saying they also like to eat deep fried foods more than vegetables, which only liberals try to force you to eat by claiming they’re healthier for you.”

 

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About James Schlarmann 1406 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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