Reince Priebus Desperately Studying “Angel Heart” for Clues to Reclaim GOP’s Soul

“We didn’t actually sell the party’s soul. It was more of a rent-to-own agreement." *satire*

The chairman of the Republican National Committee has viewed the film Angel Heart no less than 20 times in the past week in hopes of gleaning hints as to how he can take back control of the heart of his party, according to colleagues.

Sources within the RNC report Reince Priebus is “wearing the crap out” of his DVD copy of the award-winning 1987 Alan Parker horror/thriller movie about a man (played by Mickey Rourke) who sells his soul to the devil (Robert De Niro) for fame but then tries to renege on the agreement.

Priebus is apparently convinced the horror film, awash in references to the occult, holds the secret to repossessing the élan vital of the Republican Party from the vocal, extreme, anti-establishment factions represented by presidential front-runners Donald Trump and Ted Cruz.

“I’m willing to murder someone and eat his still-beating heart if it means getting the party back from Trump and those tea party nutjobs,” The Hill reports Priebus recently told a reporter who ran into the chairman between viewings. “I just need to figure out whose heart I need to devour and thereby assume that person’s identity.”

The head of the RNC continued, while violently eating a boiled egg, “Is it Trump? Is it Cruz? Is it Palin? Is it all three, because I’ll consume each of their pulsing hearts if that’s what it takes.”

Colleagues claim Priebus also has sought the counsel of those trained in the myriad arts of mysticism, including palm readers and voodoo priestesses, for help in wresting back ownership of the GOP’s soul. They also say he’s been spotted drinking copious amounts of tea made with exotic roots and herbs.

Some political analysts believe Priebus and previous party leadership “sold the soul” of the GOP to the tea party fringe in return for election wins and subsequent control of both houses of Congress. It’s a claim Priebus somewhat disputes.

“We didn’t actually sell the party’s soul,” he insists. “It was more of a rent-to-own agreement. I’ll admit we didn’t really read through and parse all the fine print, but I’ll be goddam if I just stand by while they take over and destroy the party of Lincoln. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go see a man named Louis Cyphre about a contract.”


Republished from The Red Shtick.



About Jeremy White 49 Articles
Jeremy White is an engineer by education, but a smartass by birth, who refused to let his technical background stand in the way of his dream of making fun of people. He's the founder and publisher of the satirical and irreverent humor site
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