Obama Paid Secret Ransom To Iran? Dumbfuck Republicans Think So. The Rest Of Us Know Better.

Here’s a free clue for everyone on the right side of the American political seesaw: Just because you ignore the scary black man in the White House and the mainstream media, that doesn’t mean we all do. Also, when you choose to live in a bubble, don’t get mad when it pops and you look like fucking morons.

Say it with me: The $400 million transferred to Iran after they released hostages was not a secret ransom.

U.S. to pay Iran $1.7 billion in legal settlement

The U.S. State Department announced the government had agreed to pay Iran $1.7 billion to settle a case related to the sale of military equipment prior to the Iranian revolution, according to a statement issued on Sunday. Iran had set up a $400 million trust fund for such purchases, which was frozen along with diplomatic relations in 1979.

Let me just repeat it: The $400 million transferred to Iran after they released hostages was not a secret ransom.

White House: $1.7B Iran payment not ‘ransom’

The White House is denying that the $1.7 billion sent to Iran to settle an outstanding claim this weekend was in any way tied to the release of five American prisoners.

No, really, it wans’t secret and has already been fact checked by PolitiFact:


Donald Trump, fresh off winning four states in the March 15 primaries, rattled off a series of domestic and foreign policy “disasters” that he’ll fix, from businesses leaving the United States to terrorist threats to poorly negotiated deals. “One of the broadcasters was saying, ‘Is there anger?’ ” Trump said.

The pieces from CNN and The Hill that I just linked you to were published in January of this year. But you know how slippery those liberal media types are. So I found this tweet that has the actual text from a White House press briefing that transparently describes the $400 million was all about, in case you didn’t read the Hill piece (it was in an escrow account as part of a legal dispute between international powers, FYI).

Adam Khan on Twitter

@Reince “secretly gave Iranians $400M”? Here’s the White House press briefing from 1/19 literally announcing itpic.twitter.com/rr9uHcg3bA

So now that we have clearly marked out what reality is — that the $400 million in currency was part of a totally separate issue than the Iran nuclear deal or hostage release, let’s take a look at what Bat Shit Crazy Town Contingent– known elsewhere as conservative Republicans — have to say about it.

First up, Speaker Paul Ryan’s (R-WI) tweet:

Paul Ryan on Twitter

If true, this report confirms our longstanding suspicion that the admin paid a ransom to #Iran. My full statement ↓pic.twitter.com/2BHqlYbBKx

Psst. It’s not true, Paulie. But let’s take a look at your good friend Teddy Cruz’s tweet, shall we?

Senator Ted Cruz on Twitter

The fact that the Obama admin paid #Iran $400M is one more piece of evidence that this ‘deal’ is illegitimate https://www.cruz.senate.gov/?p=press_release&id=2754 …

Oh Teddy, we’ve already been over this. The deal and the $400 million aren’t related. You know, unlike half your voters and their spouses. And finally, let’s look at Donald Trump’s zookeeper’s tweet on the subject:

Reince Priebus on Twitter

At time when US is newly concerned about terrorist attacks, we can’t afford such unprincipled & out-of-touch leadership on world stage

What’s more unprincipled than not returning $400 million that’s not yours, Reince? What’s more out-of-touch than trying to gin up controversy over an alleged secret that was publicized six fucking months ago, Pubes? The much-maligned $400 million was Iran’s in the first place, and conservatives should brace themselves now for the fact that it was just one in a series of installments to total about $1.7 billion. I know there’s this desire that Republicans have to even the score for Watergate, and that they’re convinced every Democrat before and after Tricky Dick was dirtier, but the furor that they’re trying to create out of thin air over the returning of the $400 million is the pluperfect example of what is currently strangling the life out of their party.

In short — willful ignorance.

At the top, I gave some free advice to Republicans about how to not look so bone-headed and thick about shit. Basically, it boils down to Fox News Syndrome. That is, the desire conservatives have to tailor the media they consume to their worldview. They don’t want to trust the mainstream media so they willfully ignore it. In this case, if they hadn’t been such strident anti-realists they would have read any number of stories published at the time about the money we were giving back to the Iranians. Instead, they are creating a Financial Benghazi that will be just as impossible for us to kill as Fast & Furious and the idiotic rumors about Vince Foster.

This is what they do. They ignore us all, then they create their own little conspiracies in order to perpetuate that divide. Their willful ignorance will be their downfall though, as we see in the Trump candidacy. For all his bombast and protofascism, the bastard as at least done one good thing for America — he’s made it abundantly clear what cynical, principle-free assholes the Republican establishment is. They all condemn his words, but they still endorse him for president. It’s a symptom of the same ignorant disease that has them all foaming at the mouth over a six month old story about a decades-old legal dispute.

keep-calm-because-this-is-bullshitYou know what this smells like to me? Scared Republicans.

Wouldn’t you be scared shitless if the political organization you run, that was put on the map by one of the most beloved American presidents (as long as you’re not an idiot history revisionist moron who thinks the word “tyrant” is the salt every dish needs way too much of), and Donald Trump was about to steamroll it into a steaming pile of the bullshit you’ve been feeding your voters? Because that’s what it feels like, doesn’t it, when they latch onto these stories as if there’s meat on the bone?

Who knows? Maybe it’ll work. There are millions of Republicans who somehow have been convinced voting for Trump is a good thing, and we all know they still think Bubba Clinton’s blowjob was the worst thing to ever happen in the Oval Office. Not to mention the Benghazi shit that just won’t die. So they’re just reverting to form — distract their base with red meat bait while they try to figure out how to shelter them even further from reality than they already are.




About James Schlarmann 1504 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.
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