Run Donnie, Run

Oh sweet, wonderful, benevolent, bewigged falcon of grace, class, and most of all, yooge winning, Donald J. Trump: Yes. Please do.

For the love of all that is comedy. Mount an independent run. This has to happen. Because 2016 was clearly ordained by the almighty something or someone or whatever to be the weirdest and yet most consequential election in more than half a century.

Please don’t mistake this as being support for your candidacy.

I mean, I can’t really tell if you’re being serious or trolling the entire GOP right now, but regardless, I want you to stay in this race as long as possible. You have already forced the “mainstream” Republicans (and Ted Cruz) to align themselves with your positions when they refused to attack you at first. Hell, you’ve gotten them all to spin their own watered-down versions of your Islamaphobic and anti-immigrant rhetoric.

No matter whether you’re still running for the Republican nomination in nine months or not, you have profoundly impacted the election by revealing the Republican base — which currently supports you at around a 30-40% clip depending on the poll, as what they became: Scared, conservative, mostly white, mostly evangelical Christians who are willing to lash out against anyone who doesn’t fit that description.

I have no idea if you dropping out would leave your voters for Cruz or Rubio, so that’s why you have to stay in and keep this party fractured as fuck. Something tells me you might just be the first third party candidate to draw a very significant number of voters away from your party’s candidate since Teddy cost the GOP an election and Woodrow Wilson became president. That, by the way, is the outcome I’m hoping for. You aren’t Teddy, not by a long shot, but you certainly have his hubris and bombast. I do think a lot of your more slack-jawed, mouth-breathery supporters will follow you wherever you go because as dumb as your candidacy has been, it’s been run against the establishment, which clearly is pretty well loathed by everyone all over the political spectrum.

Don’t get me wrong — the risk of you actually pulling off a victory in the General has me reluctant to fully endorse you running as independent. Justice Scalia’s death has made it all the more apparent how important it is to elect someone with at least a soupcon of intellect and a human soul. For just about 30 years, Scalia crafted dissents and opinions that gave religious zealots the legal cover they needed to oppress minority and LGBT groups. He helped fundamentally prop-up and foster the gun culture in this country with his Heller opinion. Maybe we’re coming to see the appointment of Supreme Court justices as the most important and long-lasting function a president performs. So yeah, I don’t want you taking a massive Trump on our high court; I just want you spoiling the Republicans’ hopes of appointing anyone for at least another four years.

Break your pledge, Donnie. Break it wide open. Honestly, you made a promise to a bunch of paid puppets. No one who is supporting you will give even a modest fuck about you screwing over the GOP. Hell, those of us that don’t want you near the Oval Office would cheer you on while you fucked them over. I’m not even sure Republican voters like the Republican Party for the most part. I’ve written for years about watching the GOP’s slow slide into the sea, and now I can see the end of the nightmare, and it is you, Donnie.

Run, Donnie, run. Don’t look back. Take as many crazy-eyed followers with you. Just don’t win. Whatever you do, don’t win. Destroying the GOP is one thing, destroying the country is something else. But whatever you do, keep running. I have another few months of fake stories to write, and you nearly write them for me.

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About James Schlarmann 1408 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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