Sarah Palin’s Trump Endorsement: A Translation for Smart People

"Looking around at all of you; you hard-working Iowa families, you farm families and teachers and teamsters and cops and cooks; you rockin’ rollers and holy rollers!"

Sarah Palin, the half-term Alaskan governor that Senator John McCain (R-AZ) disturbed from her deep, snowy slumber and sent on a collision course with the American political system, has just driven a knife into the back of her fellow Tea Party darling, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX). Yesterday, Palin endorsed billionaire mogul and fellow-reality TV star Donald J. Trump over Cruz for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination, and the shockwaves are being sent throughout the GOP primary, as many had presumed she would side with Cruz, the established politician.

But if you did yourself the horrific disservice of watching the press conference where Palin announced her planned stumping for Trump, and you happen to have an IQ that hover somewhere above your shoe size, you may not have understood a single word she said. That’s because Sarah Palin is certifiably stupid, and her first language is American English’s “stupid” or “dumbass” dialect. As a service to all people who can walk and chew gum at the same time, I’ve taken Ms. Palin’s speech — all 2292 rambling, incoherent words of it — and will now directly translate it for all to understand.

Thank you so much. It’s so great to be here in Iowa. We’re here just thawing out. Todd and I and a couple of our friends here from Alaska, lending our support for the next president of our great United States of America, Donald J. Trump.

Translation: I know where two states are now, guys! Two whole states! Yay Me!

Mr. Trump, you’re right, look back there in the press box. Heads are spinning, media heads are spinning. This is going to be so much fun.

Translation: Satan was right when we made that pact with him, Donald!

Are you ready to make America great again? We all have a part in this. We all have a responsibility. Looking around at all of you; you hard-working Iowa families, you farm families and teachers and teamsters and cops and cooks; you rockin’ rollers and holy rollers! All of you who work so hard, you full-time moms, you with the hands that rock the cradle. You all make the world go round and now our cause is one.

Translation: Are you ready to push America’s social and economic progress back a few decades? We all have a part to play. Also, words, words and more words!

When asked why I would jump into a primary — kind of stirring it up a little bit maybe — and choose one over some friends who are running and I’ve endorsed a couple others in their races before they decided to run for president, I was told left and right, ‘you are going to get so clobbered in the press. You are just going to get beat up and chewed up and spit out.’

Translation: When they first asked me if I’d like to draw some attention to myself, I thought, ‘Attention? Of course, bitch! I’m Sarah Fucking Palin! My body runs on attention like yours runs on food and drink!’

You know, I’m thinking, ‘and?’

Translation: No, really, I wasn’t too sure what they were asking because too many words at once and my thinking stuff goes kaput! 

You know, like you guys haven’t tried to do that every day since that night in ‘08, when I was on stage nominated for VP, and I got to say, ‘yeah, I’ll go, send me, you betcha. I’ll serve.’

Translation: And now I’m going to remind you that there are and were Republicans who actually think I’m smart enough to be one heart attack away from the Oval Office, you betcha!

And, like you all, I’m still standing. So those of us who’ve kind of gone through the ringer as Mr. Trump has, makes me respect you even more. That you’re here, and you’re putting your efforts and you’re putting reputations, you’re putting relationships on the line to do the right thing for this country. Because you are ready to make America great again.

Well, I am here because like you, I know that it is now or never.

Translation: I really love attention and until I draw my last, pandering breath, I will keep drawing attention to myself. Also: Donald Trump.

I’m in it to win it because we believe in America and we love our freedom. And if you love your freedom, thank a vet. Thank a vet and know that the United States military deserves a commander-in-chief that our country passionately and will never apologize for this country. A new commander-in-chief who will never leave our men behind. A new commander-in-chief, one who will never lie to the families of the fallen.

Translation: Freedom in a box, freedom with lox, freedom in socks. Freedom in a tree, freedom from you, freedom for me. Freedom, freedom, freedom, freedom, and for good measure: Benghazi.

I’m in it, because just last week, we’re watching our sailors suffer and be humiliated on a world stage at the hands of Iranian captors in violation of international law, because a weak-kneed, capitulator-in-chief has decided America will lead from behind. And he, who would negotiate deals, kind of with the skills of a community organizer maybe organizing a neighborhood tea, well, he deciding that, ‘No, America would apologize’ and as part of the deal, as the enemy sends a message to the rest of the world that they capture and we kowtow and we apologize, and then, we bend over and say, ‘Thank you, enemy.’

Translation: I have no earthly clue how international diplomacy or relations are handled in the real world.

We are ready for a change. We are ready and our troops deserve the best. A new commander-in-chief whose track record of success has proven he is the master at the art of the deal. He is one who would know to negotiate.

Translation: Most people don’t realize Donald J. Trump is a military mastermind. Or wait, is it that he is a master at making grilled cheese sandwiches? Oh well, Mom Jeans, Mama Grizzly, Obummer, Sharia, Apology Tour!

Shit. I know shit’s bad right now with all that starvin’ bullshit. And the dust storms. And we runnin’ out of French Fries and burrito coverings. But I got a solution.

Translation: Donald Trump will help us get our freedom, liberty, and burrito coverings back from Obama the Communist.

Okay, obviously I can’t do this anymore, since I just quoted President Camacho from Idiocracy instead of Sarah Palin, I’m done. If you want to read the rest of her rambling, pedantic stupidity, have-at. I’m going to go spend my time more efficiently and go drive nails into my genitals.

Trump and Palin, because of course.

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About James Schlarmann 1446 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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