NEW YORK, NEW YORK — One of the nation’s leading scientific research organizations has published a study they conducted since alleged billionaire Donald J. Trump announced his presidential candidacy in 2015, and the results “prove conclusively that Donald Trump is just a big, dopey, orange, racist a-hole,” according the press release accompanying the the study.
“When we undertook this study,” National Scientific Research Council Spokeswoman Helen Shaw told reporters this morning, “we knew going in that there was strong previous evidence that he was a racist based on his birtherism over Barack Obama’s birth certificate. But we didn’t want to conduct our study on evidence that was nearly a half-decade old, so we analyzed his behavior and actions since he announced his unfortunate presidential candidacy.”
Ms. Shaw told reporters that “from the very outset, Trump’s comments about Mexico sending ‘rapists’ and ‘murderers’ to our country” tipped the scales pretty heavily toward him being a racist and an a-hole, but that the subsequent year or so has brought “even more irrefutable, scientific evidence” of his “dopeyness and his orange tint is pretty much undeniable.”
“Just this morning,” Shaw said, “Trump was on the news implying President Obama had something to do with the Orlando shooting. This not only is evidence of his dog whistle racism and Islamaphobia, it’s certifiable evidence that he’s, to use the exact scientific term, an orange turd wrapped in hate and paranoia and dipped in stupid.”
Further evidence of Trump’s bigotry is found, Shaw said, in his insistence on floating the idea of banning Muslims from entering the U.S.
“Quite frankly,” Shaw said, “there was almost too much evidence to consider. When you have a man who says things like Obama sympathizes with Muslim terrorists, you have on your hands one of the most pluperfect examples of pontificating assholery you might ever find in this or any other lifetime.” Shaw said Trump’s smug, self-congratulatory Tweet in the wake of the Orlando shooting “was one of many final pieces of unavoidable evidence that Trump is literally a piece of shit in a suit.”
The NSRC’s study has proven conclusively, Ms. Shaw said, that “those who vote for him after hearing his disgusting reactions to the Orlando shooting” are “equally disgusting, pig-headed, and frankly dumber than a box of used, worn-out dildos.”
“Look, science really only can prove so much,” Shaw said, “so maybe this study wasn’t real, or wasn’t really scientific so much as it was a couple weeks of us watching aghast, in sheer horror, as stupider and stupider stuff came out of his big, dumb mouth. Maybe this ‘study’ was really just all of us getting sick of this big, dumb animal saying mean and aggressively ignorant things about people who don’t deserve it, and we’re just calling out the blatant bullshit as we see it. I don’t know. What I do know is that it is unmistakable truth that Donald Trump is just a big, dopey, orange, bigoted a-hole, and you really don’t need a big expensive research project to prove it.”
Then, after a slight pause, Shaw said, “You just need ears and eyes that work.”