You might think that Steve Bannon is the one guy in the Trump administration who has the best knowledge base of Nazi trivia, but you’d be wrong.
You might also think that White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer is a mumble-mouthed moron who doesn’t know anything about World War II, Hitler or the Holocaust. God only knows Mr. Spicer’s done his utmost to give us all that impression lately. But we’d all be wrong to doubt his bonafides. As it turns out, Sean Spicer is the world’s foremost scholar on the issues of the Second World War, Hitler’s third reign, and the horrors of the holocaust…or where they horrors after all?
That’s for Sean to tell us.
We asked Spicer to put together some fun facts and trivia about World War II, after he called and told us personally how knowledgeable he is on the subject. At the office, we passed around this trivia, and we all agreed, we certainly know more about what Sean Spicer knows about WWII now. What that means in the grand scheme of things? Who knows.
But here now, are Sean Spicer’s Fun Facts and Trivia About World War II!
“Kristallnacht” Was the Night Hitler Took Everyone Out For Krystal Burgers
Some mistakenly think that Krystallnacht refers to “The Night of Broken Glass,” when in November of 1938, there were two nights of increased violence and vandalism perpetrated against Jewish shop owners and citizens in Germany. This is false. On the nights of November 9th and 10th, Hitler took everyone in Germany out for Krystal Burgers. Sure, Krystal is a Southern American burger chain, but shhh. Just trust Spicer. This was all about yummy burgers and not the same kinds of violence and vandalism that we’ve seen in various parts of our country since Trump’s election.
Hitler Was a Flower Power Loving, Socialist Hippie Liberal
There are some out there who think that because the world “socialist” is in the National Socialist Party, which was the official name of the Nazi Party, that Hitler was clearly a left-wing socialist. These people are 100% correct, of course. While some “historians” will point to the notion that Hitler used the promise of socialist programs — which he never really delivered on — to fool the German population into voting for him, as proof that he was just a right-wing militaristic despot who manipulated people into doing his bidding, that’s false. And clearly FAKE NEWS. Why would Hitler lie? What possible motivation would Hitler ever have for lying, really?
Adolf Hitler and Joseph Goebbels Wrote the Original Screenplay for Raging Bull
A lot of people don’t know this, so don’t beat yourself up if you didn’t either, but the screenplay for the film Raging Bull was written by none other than Hitler himself, with a big assist from his propaganda minister, Joe Goebbels, also known as “Hitler’s Spicer,” which is kinda weird because Spicer wasn’t born yet. But maybe Sean is so good at his job that it sent shocks of reverberation through the space time continuum when he was given his job in the White House, and those shocks reached all the way back to Nazis in the 1930s. Wait. What were we talking about here? How much Spicer and Goebbels are alike? Okay good. I thought so.
The Concentration Camps Weren’t Death Camps. Jews Just Went There To Focus Extra Hard
A big misnomer about Hitler is that his concentration camps were death camps. But that’s just categorically false, no matter what the historical evidence and record shows. Concentration camps were literally just places that Jews, gypsies, and homosexuals went to focus extra hard on stuff. You know, to “concentrate.”
Note: This fact came from the Richard Spencer School of History Revision
Hitler Didn’t Use Chemical Weapons. He Pumped Cotton Candy Scent Into The Chambers.
A lot of people freaked out on Spicer when he said that Hitler hadn’t sunk to using chemical weapons on his own people. But that’s just because they have a government education, not a conservative Republican one. Just like all Republicans know the civil war wasn’t at all about slavery, they also know that the gas Hitler had pumped into the chambers at places like Auschwitz was harmless oxygen, scented with cotton candy.
People Have Been Mispronouncing “Yahtzee” This Whole Time
Sean Spicer knows, really, the biggest and most tightly kept secret about the Nazis — they didn’t actually exist. You see, back in the 1930s, in Germany, there was a big movement. That movement, though, wasn’t called “Nazism.” It was called “Yahtzee-ism” and it was all about dice games. Of course, things get lost in translation over time, and yadda-yadda-yadda, next thing you know, instead of dice games we’re talking about, like, genocide and stuff. It could happen to anyone, really.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.