Who’s Got Two Thumbs and Zero Fucks to Give About Trump Bullying Sessions?

When you lie down with Trumps, you get up covered in shame, Borscht, and probably a least a little light treason.

If you don’t wake up covered in those things, you’re certainly going to watch your reputation take a hit over and over again. The more you stay attached to Donald Trump, the worse it is going to be for you once either you let go of them, or more likely, once he has gotten all the use of out of you he thinks he can, and summarily dumps you. Clearly, Jeff Sessions has gone from one of Trump’s bottom bitches to one of his top targets.

And I couldn’t care one pubic hair’s breadth less of a fuck about his abuse if I tried with all my heart.

Fuck Jeff Sessions. Fuck him for so many reasons. Firstly, fuck him for supporting Trump early on. He gave credence to Trump’s candidacy. Sure, not among people who aren’t sadly misinformed tools of the oligarchy, but he still helped legitimize the pile of Russian whore piss and cheap merchandising that is Donald Trump. We wouldn’t have a President Trump without people like Sessions making him a viable candidate by not laughing his stupid ass off the Republican ticket during the primaries.

Secondly, fuck Jeff Sessions for ignoring literally decades of social progress and conversation to push the War on Drugs nonsense. He’s literally said he wants to go back to Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” campaign, and he’s made galling and stupid comments about the kinds of people who smoke pot. Because everyone who was alive in the 1980’s remembers that drugs were just not a thing back then, not after old Leather Bag Face Nancy coined her super-duper awesome phrase and started D.A.R.E.

And someone should really let Barack Obama and Michael Phelps know they aren’t really high achievers or “good” people since they smoked pot, according to Ol’ Jeffrey Beauregard Sessions.





Also, fuck Jeff sessions for his ridiculous stance on civil asset forfeiture. Nowhere in the Constitution is the power to permanently strip people even accused but not convicted of a crime of their property permanently. It’s a holdover from the same disgusting war on drugs that Keebler Klux Klan member Sessions just can’t let go of. It’s hilarious to me that a guy like Sessions can make his bones ranting and raving about a smaller, less tyrannical government while also advocating policies that tell people what plants they can ingest, and that allow the federal government to just take away anyone’s assets if they feel like accusing them of a crime.

Then again, a guy so racist that he was denied a federal judgeship in the 1980’s liking a domestic drug policy that essentially just moved black men from the plantations to the penitentiaries isn’t shocking in the least, is it?

But if all that shit wasn’t true and worthy of a hearty “Fuck Jeff Sessions,” then the newest steaming pile of bigotry and theocratic bullshit from the shriveled up cookie elf would be. In case you missed it, the Department of Justice, under Session’s orders, issued a court brief in a case that argues LGBTQ Americans aren’t entitled to protections under Title VII. What that means is that Sessions doesn’t think transgender or homosexual Americans are entitled to be protected from discrimination.

Let’s just be honest — this is American Taliban shit.

Contrary to right-wing rhetoric, gender dysphoria is not mental illness as defined by people who, you know, study mental illness. There is no basis for discriminating against a transgender person that doesn’t come down to “Eww, I think that’s icky because I’m ignorant and don’t get how it all works. Or I’m too basic to understand complex subjects and instead cling to what Sunday schoolin’ taught me. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW!” We were supposedly over writing laws like that after the civil rights movement, but maybe that’s a pipe dream similar to Trickle Down Economics, after all.

Title VII is a legal document and may not be a super-simplified thing to grasp. But you don’t need to know all the ins and outs of it to understand that on a basic human level telling people they’re not worthy of protection is a demoralizing way to strip them of their human rights. Bigots are entitled to their opinions, but they aren’t entitled to ramming them down everyone else’s throats.

We’ve made great strides in this country when it comes to ending the stigma and nonsensical abuse that the transgender community has long endured. Sessions and his ilk are a direct affront to that progress, and instead are champions of oppression. So, yeah, uber-turbo-robo Fuck Jeff Sessions.

He made his bed with Trump, and now it’s time to go lay down on the piss-soaked sheets.

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About James Schlarmann 1349 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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