This satire first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.
INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA — Vice President Mike Pence walked out of an NFL game this past weekend between his home state Indianapolis Colts and the San Francisco Giants. The incident was well-covered throughout the media, both on sports outlets and in the mainstream press. After Pence had left, he tweeted the following statement, though some noted that Pence may have planned to walk out of the game the entire time, as reporters had been told to stay close to Pence’s car as there
I left today’s Colts game because @POTUS and I will not dignify any event that disrespects our soldiers, our Flag, or our National Anthem.
Whether or not the move was a pre-planned public relations stunt by the Trump Administration is still unclear. However, details are starting to emerge about the time between when Pence and Second Lady Pence were seen leaving the game and when Pence sent his tweet explaining their departure. The details were provided by several sources close to the situation.
“I saw the vice president come out of the stadium, and he was looking sad and forlorn,” one eyewitness told us, “and that’s when the Secret Service wrapped an American flag around him and a bald eagle came out of nowhere. He was consoling Pence.”
Another source said that it was difficult to make out exactly what Vice President Pence was saying to the eagle, but it sounded like he was emotional over the “egregious and flagrant use of the First Amendment by uppity blacks.”
“Don’t they know that unless uptight conservatives approve of it,” Pence asked rhetorically, “they’re not allowed to exercise their freedoms quite so…you know…freely?”
Mr. Pence was reportedly upset and irate to the point of nearly letting “potty words slip out” according to several sources.
“This disrespect of that piece of magic striped fabric simply cannot be tolerated,” Pence said, “no matter how much the president and I pretty much orchestrated the same kind of political demonstration over it as they did!”
Pence was heard telling the bald eagle that he was afraid “American liberty and freedom will be forever lost” if NFL players are “simply allowed to exercise them with impunity.”
“Do they have any idea what a threat to the American way of life it is for them to peacefully protest,” Pence asked, “as if it’s directly mentioned in the Constitution as being a fully-guaranteed right of existence? What do they think, their free speech is a gun or something?”
Vice President Pence warned the bald eagle that “more drastic measures” might be needed to “curb this trend of utter abuse” from NFL players and other athletes protesting police brutality.
“You know, I visited North Korea earlier this year,” Pence said, “and if these jerk mouth athletes think they can just quietly and respectfully take a knee to protest the systemic abuse and racism of a country that began by enslaving them, then treated them as legally less equal under Jim Crow, and now turns a blind eye to an alarming trend of extrajudicial killing by police officers, they got another thing coming. Why should Kim Jong-Un get to have all the forced patriotism?”
A quite moment was shared between the eagle and Pence.
“I’m old enough to remember when Americans thought they could do anything and everything better than the rest of the planet,” Pence said, “and that includes forced patriotism and allegiance to cloth.”