Snuggling Up With a Big Bowl of Popcorn While Donald Trump Accuses Ted Cruz of Stealing Iowa

You know what I love more than a lot of things in life? Watching Republicans devour themselves. It’s actually why covering politics in my comedic career has been so enjoyable the last few years, and it’s thanks in most part to the utter craziness of the Tea Party, born out in the cat fight between Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), winner of the Iowa Republican Caucus, and Donald J. Trump, winner of the “What the Shit is That Thing On Your Head?” Caucus, and it’s going to get uglier.

The Trumpster just published this Facebook post to his wall this morning:

It’s time for us to get a nice, big bowl of popcorn and settle in to watching two arrogant, bombastic assholes battle it out in the press. Trump has already intimated he’ll go birther on Cruz like he did to Obama a few years ago, and now he’s fueling a conspiracy theory to discredit Cruz? Amazing. Thank you, Comedy Goddess, thank you. Trump and Cruz going toe to toe is the stuff you can only imagine happening as a political comedy writer.

The best part to me is that the establishment hates them both, so they are truly squirming in their seats now. I can’t help but think whoever outlasts the other will pick up a sizable share of the voters pulling for the other guy. Trump voters could move to Cruz and vice versa without ceding much ideological ground. The fact is, too, that while I don’t really buy the idea — Trump sucking oxygen and voters away from Cruz’s campaign does seem to fit the conspiracy theory that Trump is planted to finally and for all time bury the GOP as a national party.

I don’t know about any of that. I just know that regular people hate Cruz and Trump equally, and Trump has done a damn good job of tying Cruz to him, as the Texas Republican has been loathe to bash Trump’s idiotic anti-immigrant and anti-Muslim positions…since he holds the same positions. 2016 is a fascinating study, thanks to Trump, believe it or not, because he is making it impossible for the real world to reconcile with what the Republican Party has become. The fact that he nearly won Iowa at all, Cruz’s alleged theft of the caucus notwithstanding, shows that a lot of people in the Republican Party are totally fine with kicking immigrants out and barring Muslims at the border.

That should terrify any Republican that isn’t a racist or xenophobe.

Trump bashing Cruz and Cruz bashing Trump just feels like masturbation to me. It’s like a clone antagonizing the person he was cloned from for his blue eyes. This level of silliness goes beyond hypocrisy and into the realm of the absurd, and I really, really hope it doesn’t stop anytime soon. For starters, I need the material. But more importantly, the longer the GOP stays distracted by trying to figure out which of their front running asshole candidates they’re going to get rid of first, the longer they don’t have a coherent strategy for the general election, and the better chances they have to lose.

It’s not that a Democrat winning is the best thing for the country either, but if you’re looking for someone to tell you “lesser of two evils” shouldn’t be followed, you’re looking in the wrong place. Pragmatism is okay, I think, and pragmatically, the worst thing that can happen is the GOP controls all three branches of government, instead of what the Trump vs. Cruz shenanigans show an opportunity for, and that is an crushing, embarrassing, perhaps even mortal blow.

Either way, the microwave is beeping, so it’s time to open the bag and enjoy watching two douchebags try to out-douche one another.

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About James Schlarmann 1196 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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