Is Spicer Such A Douchebag Because He Was Forced To Wear The Easter Bunny Suit For Dubya?

While the Trump Administration has been pretty much the unmitigated shit show that we assumed it would be, it’s not like certain members of the team haven’t put themselves out on a limb, in the spotlight, and endeared themselves in our hearts even more than the average Trumper. One such person is White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer.

Dude’s press briefings are such disasters they spawned the now infamous Melissa McCarthy impression of him on SNL. And yes, it’s true that the show’s writers and McCarthy herself to satirical extremes to capture his idiosyncrasies, but they didn’t make up his thing with swallowing a billion pieces of gum every day. They didn’t make up out of thin air that he stumbles over words, is extremely hostile to reporters, and generally is a rushed, tongue-tied mess at every briefing.

I’ve been thinking that the reason he’s such a dick to reporters is that he just doesn’t like the media. And while I think as a conservative he’s been bred to hate the press, at least the ones not owned by Ruper Murdoch or formerly run by Steve Bannon, I think we’ve finally gotten all the clues we need as to where Sean got so spicy.

My best guess? Sean’s attitude problems stem from how he was the low man on the totem poll in the George W. Bush administration. Spicer worked in the trade administration office during Dubya’s reign. Apparently, Spicer was so low in the pecking order he was one of a handful of staffers that got routinely picked to be the Easter Bunny for the White House egg hunts in thos years.

No, really. That’s 100% true.

Digging into his past, the creator of the Disney show Kim Possible managed to find an interview Spicer did with Politico back in 2008, and The A.V. Club ran a story on it today. Here’s the tweet, below.

Schooley on Twitter

How did I not know this?

Now it all kinda makes sense, doesn’t it? Spicer is such a twat because everyone was always giving him the shittiest jobs in Washington that nobody wanted. Like, say, the head orangutan keeper at the D.C. zoo after it gets a new, particularly angry, particularly ugly, particularly racist orangutan for its exhibit. Spicer would get that job, you know, if it existed.

I mean, look at him in this photo.

Sure, he’s smiling there. But, that’s not like a real, genuine smile. That’s the smile of a guy thinking, “Okay, but when I run this town you’re all going to kiss my ring and suck my cock.” And he’s out to make a lot of people kiss his cock and suck his ring. You can tell by how he’s behaved toward the press from the very beginning, starting with getting confrontational with reporters like CNN’s Jim Acosta.

Am I right about this? Is Spicer such an insufferable shit to everyone because he was the guy who had to get in the bunny suit every year? I don’t know. Probably not. But it’s a fun theory. And if nothing else, now you know that Sean Spicer, White House Press Secretary, used to have a job in Washington, D.C. that was almost as embarrassing as the job he has now.

Almost.





Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.



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About James Schlarmann 1434 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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