Suck My Dick, Stephen Colbert’s Putin/Trump Joke Was Not Homophobic

Um…Hey, Über-PC left? Maybe now’s a good time to shut the fuck up about all this “Stephen Colbert makes homophobic joke” nonsense. It’s utter and complete garbage, and frankly it’s why a lot of people kinda hate the Uber-PC left…me being one of them.

Firstly, let’s take a look at the “OH MY FUCKING GOD HOW COULD HE?!” joke, shall we?

“Sir, you attract more skinheads than free Rogaine,” Colbert said near the end of the insult-laden rant. “You have more people marching against you than cancer. You talk like a sign language gorilla that got hit in the head. In fact, the only thing your mouth is good for is being Vladimir Putin’s cock holster.” (source)

Next, let’s think about the joke delivery system — in this case, Stephen Goddamned Colbert. If there is truly anyone out there who thinks that the man who made himself a household name by convincingly skewering things precisely like the actual homophobia supported by the Religious Right genuinely thinks homosexuals are worthy of mocking and scorn just for being homosexuals, please, don’t breed and find a nuclear fallout shelter to live out your days in. You will ruin comedy for the rest of us forever.

Now, I understand I’m going to be accused of “straight-splaining” here, but fuck it. I’m not doing that. I’m comedy-splainiung, which to me is far more nauseating. But here we are, face to face, a a few million Silver Spoons, hoping to find we’re two of a kind. Sorry, been watching a lot of 80’s sitcom re-runs since we have a president from the 80’s and he’s trying to wrench us back to the 1880’s.

And see, that’s why I get even madder at people like Glenn Greenwald for stoking the right’s idiotic #FireColbert hashtag. Colbert’s joke was essentially about how Trump would do literally anything to please Putin, including sucking his dick. Which, yes, would absolutely be a homosexual act. We can all admit that Trump getting down and licking Vlad’s Putin from shaft to tip would constitute some hardcore gay fuck-action.

But if you think that’s the end-all, be-all of the joke, fucking staaaaaahhhhhpppp with that bullshit.

Do YOU want to suck Vladimir Putin’s dick? Hell, do you want to suck any fascist, murderous autocrat’s dick? No? Then congratu-fucking-lations! You just figured out how Colbert’s joke works and is, miraculously NOT homophobic.

Honestly, the fact that Colbert felt comfortable enough to make this joke means that in his mind, and the mind of whoever wrote the joke, the LGBTQ community is so accepted that we can imply that Vlad and Don are 69-ing each other to glory and the joke isn’t that they’re gay; it’s that they’re two pieces of shit finding friendship in their piece of shitness.

Look, comedy is a rough, subjective art form. It’s all about laughs, at the end of the day, and there are always going to be hurt feelings, unless you do “clean comedy,” but unless you’re Jim Gaffigan, I kinda don’t care about clean comedy anyway, so…shut the fuck up and leave Colbert alone.




It really kinda does boggle my brain grapes that liberals would be attacking Colbert as homophobic on this one. The joke wasn’t, “ha, ha! Gays are bad and Trump is gay for Putin so fuck gays and fuck Trump equally, LOL!” The joke was, “Donald Trump is such a creepy tool of Vladimir Putin that he’d gladly suck his dick.”

Again, just please ask yourself, “Would I want to suck Vladimir Putin’s Dick?” If the answer is, “No,” then you have completely figured out the joke and there’s no need for you keep wringing your goddamned hypersensitive hands about it. We already live in a world where we replace facts with feelings, let’s not please ruin comedy in much the same way.

There’s no denying Colbert’s joke traded on the idea that Trump was sucking Putin’s dick as being the punch line. But it’s the context of why he was sucking Putin’s dick that matters. If Colbert’s joke had been essentially, “Gays are icky and Trump must be one for Putin which makes him a bad person,” you pearl clutching über-PC libs would have a valid point. Instead, you’re helping the right attack a strong ally for the cause of equality.

Have fun with that, you dinks.

Here’s the thing, there are zero rules in comedy…for performers. There are actually rules for comedy audiences. And I’m just the pretentious shit head to give them to you. So without further ado, here are the basic rules of comedy for a comedy audience.

  1. You have a right to be offended by any joke.
  2. You have a right to be so offended you personally  don’t find something funny.
  3. You have a right to shout until you’re blue in the face that something isn’t funny, to you.
  4. You don’t have a right to put words into comics’ mouths.
  5. You don’t have a right to ever, ever, ever, ever, ever censor a comedian’s words. Let me reiterate: EVER.
  6. You have the right, the most important right, to turn the fucking channel, walk away, or generally NOT partake of a particular comedian’s comedy as your only form of acceptable protest.
  7. Farts are always funny. And so are dick jokes.

Okay, so that last one is just to make myself feel good about my own material. Sue me. Or you know, suck my dick if you don’t like it, or whatever.

Can we get back to, like, fighting the real bastards’ agenda now? Because while everyone else is freaking out about Colbert’s joke, Trump is literally planning on signing an executive order tomorrow that will make discriminating against LGBTQ in real life legally protected behavior as long as you have deeply held religious convictions about being a bigoted prick. I guess that means I need to start the First Church of Donald Trump’s a Twat Waffle, don’t I?

Here’s Colbert’s full monologue, courtesy of CBS.


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

About James Schlarmann 1232 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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