Ted Cruz Backs Amendment Repealing Women’s Suffrage to Speed-Up Making Abortion Illegal

"The only way to strike Roe from the record books is to ensure that vaginal possessors aren't allowed to vote." *satire*

LAND POLE, SOUTH CAROLINA — Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), made waves last week when he pledged support to a right-wing, anti-abortion group’s proposed Constitutional amendment that would establish “personhood” as beginning at conception, and could be used to ban common forms of birth control, and in South Carolina on Monday he doubled-down on his anti-choice rhetoric by telling attendees at a rally that he supports repealing the 19th Amendment as “the only way to strike Roe from the record books.”

“The 19th Amendment gave non-men the right to vote in this country,” Cruz told supporters, “but that amendment wasn’t in the Constitution when it was written. So this radical idea that boob-havers should get to vote immediately runs contrary to what great men like Thomas Jefferson and James Madison wanted for this country.” Cruz further added, “and if we can’t trust 18th century slave holding elitist white men to guide us, we are truly lost.”

Cruz told those attending his rally that he “truly believe[s] women should have a voice” in how society is shaped, but that he also knows “that voice should be heard coming from the laundry room telling us our socks are clean.” Senator Cruz said that “radical liberals who want you to believe women are no different than men and deserve the same sexual autonomy we get just because we have schpeppy” but that “good, clean, ammo-hoarding patriots reject that nonsense and understand a man should be involved in every decision a woman makes, you know, for liberty and freedom’s sake.”

“The only way to strike Roe from the record books is to ensure that vaginal possessors aren’t allowed to vote,” Cruz said, “because there’s always a few million uppity women willing to fight for control over their own reproductive decisions. So you have to silence them at the ballots. We’ve thought about making them carry a special voter ID, but ultimately decided simple disenfranchisement was much simpler.”

Senator Cruz believes “God wants us to roll back progress and push women back into back alleys and down stairwells” because “unborn fetuses that can’t survive outside the womb should logically be more important than the very host organism they depend on to live” and insisted that way of thinking “isn’t egregious in its open derision of a woman’s independence, but instead it’s just protecting with sycophantic and dogmatic reflexive rhetoric a life form that is often terminated by the woman’s body by natural causes in the first few weeks of gestation.”

“Everyone knows this great country was founded on the simple principle that all men are created equally,” Cruz said, “not women. The liberal left has moved our country so far away from the Constitution that now women and blacks are free to vote, work, eat, and even inhale and exhale without permission from a landowning white man. Maybe that’s the America you want, but the America I want is the one that’s in the Constitution that was written when bloodletting was still a common medical practice and people died at the ripe, old age of 45.”


Republished from The Political Garbage Chute.

 

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About James Schlarmann 1408 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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