Ted Cruz Doesn’t Know Whether to Believe Carly Fiorina Really Endorsed Him

*satire*

BOCA MENTIRIS, FLORIDA — By now, it seems the entire country is aware that the Republican Party establishment is desperate to derail the momentum that is carrying Donald J. Trump to its nomination for president later this year. They are so desperate that reports have been coming in that many in the party have decided to rally around Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), a man who by all accounts is loathed universally both within his party and outside it, to try and coalesce forces strong enough to knock off the billionaire mogul. In this scenario, every endorsement is important, and Cruz picked up one from a former rival for the nomination this week from former HP CEO Carly Fiorina.

In Florida, Cruz said he was “cautiously pleased” about Fiorina’s support, but he admitted that he wasn’t completely sure whether or not she was truly backing his campaign.

“Let’s face it,” Cruz said, “Carly is one of the biggest liars out there right now. She flat-out made up a scene in those doctored — er excuse me — highly important Planned Parenthood videos and then dared people to call her out, and when they did, she just called them liars.” Cruz began laughing a bit and shook his head, “Honestly, it’s kinda refreshing and endearing to see a politician so ably gifted in the art of mendacity as I am. But that said, how can I be sure Carly’s really endorsing me?”

As reported by The Huffington Post, Fiorina praised Cruz’s conservative principles.

“Ted Cruz has stood up and fought for our right to bear arms. He has fought for our religious liberty. He has fought for our sovereignty. And he has won over and over and over,” she said to cheers.  (source)

Senator Cruz, however, said with Fiorina “you just never know how much she believes she’s saying.”

“I mean, sure, I am most definitely a gun worshiping firearm fanatic, and I am absolutely a Christian Dominionist who believes my religion was put on Earth to dominate and control all lifeforms on it, so it’s great to Carly recognize that,” Cruz said, “but with Carly’s words you always have to ingest at least a pound of salt. If Carly Fiorina tells you water is wet, you fill a bucket with water and dump it on your head, just be to be sure you know.”


Cruz told reporters after the rally that he would gladly accept Fiorina’s endorsement, “no matter how full of shit she’s been in the past.”

“We are in a full-frontal fight for democracy,” Cruz said, “and that means I will team-up and sell-out my alleged principles for every single, solitary vote I can scrounge up. Because that’s what being principled means — sacrificing your morals for partisanship and consorting with known liars to gain more power. God Bless America, God Bless the Republican Party, and most importantly — God Bless me!”

 

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About James Schlarmann 1472 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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