Dear Ted Cruz: You Aren’t Funny And Luke Skywalker Just Twitter Slapped Your Brains Out

Dear Ted Cruz,

Please. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

You aren’t funny. You clearly don’t know shit about Star Wars, and for the undeniable record? You just got knocked the fuck out by Luke Skywalker. To be totally truthful, you also are corrupted by the big telecoms and are spouting nonsense about Net Neutrality, but that’s what a few hundred grand in your campaign coffers gets you these days, a shit posting theocratic Christofascist trying to wag his finger at a bonafide Jedi master…

…and getting his ass handed to him?



Now, for the rest of us…

In case you missed it or aren’t on the World’s Worst Social Media Platform that Rhymes With Shitter, Mark Hamill, the man who is Luke Skywalker to millions of Star Wars fans around the world, got into a spat with Senator Ted “Zodiac” Cruz over the weekend when Hamill tweeted at FCC Chairman and Verizon Super-Shill Ajit Pai that he is “profoundly unworthy” to use a lightsaber in the yawn-tastic, cringe-a-riffic video Pai made to try and get everyone to chillax about his implosion of neutrality regulations that wouldn’t allow an Internet Service Provider to gouge customers based on the kind of content they consume via the web.

Here’s Hamill’s first tweet:

And that’s when things take a turn for the smug and douchey. Because here comes big ol’ turd with a smile, Ted Cruz, to try and “gotcha” Hamill, who is clearly a Hollyweird Libtard in Cruz’s estimation. Have a bucket ready for when you’re done reading Cruz’s bullshit.

Ted Cruz on Twitter

@HammillHimself Luke, I know Hollywood can be confusing, but it was Vader who supported govt power over everything said & done on the Internet. That’s why giant corps (Google, Facebook, Netflix) supported the FCC power grab of net neutrality. Reject the dark side: Free the net!

I love how Cruz tries to make some hamfisted political analogy with Darth Vader to liberals. While it’s true that Vader and the Emperor were a tyrannical pair of despots, the truth is that the Imperial Senate was just a sham organization, and Palpatine dissolved it permanently in A New Hope anyway, making them more like evil monarchs than, say, a slightly-left-of-center federal government at the heart of fifty different states with their own constitutions.

Not to mention that it’s not modern day liberals pushing for bigger and bigger military machinery. It’s not progressives trying to weaponize their religious beliefs against other people. That’s Cruz and the GOP’s agenda though, isn’t it? Using religious liberty to roll back protections for the LGBTQ community and women’s reproductive rights.

If you don’t follow Hamill on Twitter, you really should because he took Ted to the woodshed after Cruz tried to cover him slimy Republican-ese. With a Jedi’s reflexes, Mr. Hamill cut Cruz down to a nub.

@HamillHimself on Twitter

Thanks for smarm-spaining it to me @tedcruz I know politics can be confusing, but you’d have more credibility if you spelled my name correctly. I mean IT’S RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU! Maybe you’re just distracted from watching porn at the office again❤️-mh

To be fair to Cruz, and believe me this is one douche he doesn’t deserve anyone’s kindness or sympathy, he did try another couple weak comebacks. But it’s clear to anyone with a pulse that Hamill cleaned Cruz’s clock, handed him lunch, and then Force choked the fuck out of Teddy’s tweets.

Oh, and just to put a cute little bow on this whole thing, the president’s overbitten, douchebag son — the brunette one — tried to talk shit to Hamill yesterday as well. It went down about the same for Junior Dumbfuck as it did for Ted. Enjoy!

Donald Trump Jr. on Twitter

Ted Cruz kills Luke Skywalker part 1 #starwars




About James Schlarmann 1489 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.
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