A Big Thanks To The Super Duper Smart People Boycotting “Rogue One”

Dear “Rogue One” Boycotters,

Boy, you really made your voices heard on this one, didn’t you, Anti-Social Equality Mob? The film you all were boycotting because you perceived an anti-Trump, anti-white, anti-male, or anti-conservative bias BEFORE YOU EVEN SAW THE FUCKING IT really made a dent in Disney’d bottom line, let me tell you. “Rogue One” only grossed $290 million internationally during its debut weekend.

I’m sure Mickey and Minnie are crying in their corn flakes over what they’ll do with only $290 million.

Thanks, by the way, truly, for staying the fuck out of “Rogue One” screenings this weekend. It allowed me, my wife, and our two sons the luxury of sitting in a super-full theater of like-minded Star Wars fans taking in the greatest film in the franchise since “Empire Strikes Back,” without worrying about some whiny, overcompensating, hyperbolically masculine asshole shouting out and ruining it. Honestly, knowing that you all would be at home crying in your vapes over this movie daring to have an artistic viewpoint you don’t completely agree with made seeing it opening weekend and adding my little contribution to your embarrassment, made it an even better experience than it would have otherwise been.

By the way, you weren’t wrong. There were political messages in the film. Of course, they were pretty mild, and not anything new for true fans of the franchise. If you can’t handle what is essentially, “War sucks” and “It’s dangerously easy to think of yourself as being a protector of peace when you’re wielding a weapon of mass destruction” as political themes in a film, then you’re dumb. Sorry, you’re just dumb. Because war does suck and it is imminently dangerous to the stability of the species for us to think of ourselves as guardians of peace while using weapons of mass destruction.

And it also seems that it’s you guys who really need the safe spaces. Your president-elect gets his panties in a bunch every time an actor or comedian mocks him. And you guys, since you “won” the election have been going on a hardcore boycotting spree of any product or corporation who doesn’t wholesale approve of your political viewpoints. My pal Renee did a great write-up on the twelve different products, services, companies, or artistic endeavors you’ve boycotted since Trump won, below.

Fragile Snowflake Trump Supporters Want To Boycott These Companies For Hurting Their Feels

I am having so much trouble keeping up with the Trump supporter Evangelical Christian boycott list, and why, I decided I really needed a cheat sheet. This will also be quite handy during the holidays, so I know what to buy and where to purchase it for all the Trumpy Christians on my list.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I remember a time when conservatives mocked people for not accepting differing viewpoints. But apparently, the “SAFE SPACES ARE FOR LIBTARDS” crowd could use a few spaces where they feel safe and coddled. That sound you hear is all the irony in the world quickly coalescing around #DumpStarWars boycotters. Their salty tears will soon flood all the land.

If you thought there was an anti-Trump message in the film, I didn’t see one. Unless you really do project Darth Vader as Trump. And honestly, why would you insult someone so morally upstanding, compassionate, and kind as Vader by comparing him to a total sociopath like Trump? Do you really think Trump would intervene if the Emperor was blasting one of his sons with lightning? Well, let’s get Vladimir Putin on the horn, ask him to shoot lightning bolts out of his finger tips at Eric or Donny Junior, and we’ll see what Trump’s reaction is. Something tells me he’ll be too busy trying to grab a rancor by the pussy to pay attention, but that’s probably just me.

Honestly, if you think casting doubt on the legitimacy of imperial rule is something new in Star Wars, you’re probably just now coming to realize there’s a film franchise called “Star Wars” and that water is wet, I’m guessing. There was nothing overtly anti-Trump, anti-Republican, or anti-anything other than authoritarian, evil regimes so bent on “order” that they embrace genocide and mass murder as ways of ensuring it. That’s supposedly a pretty universally accepted truism, but I know, when you’re raised to believe that those libtarded libtards in Hollywood are all secretly trying to erode your way of life, you really do think that every scene, line of dialogue, or character who doesn’t reaffirm your beliefs is out to tear them down and devalue them.

I’m pretty positive that you guys don’t believe in irony either. Otherwise, you wouldn’t the ones smugly telling everyone you’re the only people who truly “understand” how the Constitution works. I’m not saying your boycotts are tantamount to calling for government censorship, I’m just saying that you clearly don’t actually love the freedom of expression or speech the Constitution offers if every single time someone dares to call your worldview into question you lose your shit, throw your toys out of the pram, and stomp away, demanding a safe space to recoup in.

The bottom line, to me, is simple. “Rogue One” featured a kick ass female lead doing kick ass action movie hero shit. It was a part that in years past would’ve been given to a dude. Instead, it was given to a woman who nailed the part and helped anchor one of the most most emotionally impacting, truly inspiring films in the franchise. If that made you sad or angry, I’m really truly grateful to you for keeping your mopey, delusional ass at home. It’s 2016, and there was nothing in “Rogue One” worthy of boycotting unless you’re a Dark Lord of the Sith or an emotionally and intellectually stunted man baby.

Which, of course, puts your tantrum boycott in its proper context, I think.

Kisses and Hugs,

Jambo The Clown

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.



About James Schlarmann 1481 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.
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