The Comedian’s Sloppy Wet Dream Orgy That is Palin Endorsing Trump

Sarah Palin is endorsing Donald Trump!

Sarah Palin is endorsing Donald Trump!

SARAH GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING PALIN IS ENDORSING DONALD SHIT-CHRISTING TRUMP!

If you are even tangentially involved in writing humorous takes on the political world then yesterday when Sarah Palin announced in what can only be described as a “barrage of nonsense” that she was backing Donald Trump’s presidential bid and you didn’t have a very similar reaction to what this piece opened with…check your pulse. I have no idea — and I will never even attempt to predict — whether or not Donald Trump can win it all. I hope to all that is holy that he doesn’t, because even as a comedian there are some jokes that it’s just not worth sacrificing your children’s future for.

That being said, as long as he insists on keeping his carnival of dumbassery going, I am in it to win it, as it were, and nothing makes my job as a comedian easier than when an idiot makes an alliance with a moron. The result is a derpy lovechild so exquisite in its inanity that you honestly can’t make it up. Then again, whenever Palin speaks for more than a minute or two, she makes it abundantly clear just how futile it is truly satirize her. I mean, honestly, how can I compete with this genuine quote from her endorsement announcement?

Well, and then, funny, ha ha, not funny. But now, what they’re doing is wailing, ‘well, Trump and his, uh, uh, uh, Trumpeters, they’re not conservative enough.’

That is literally just a smattering of the over 2200 word onslaught of verbal diarrhea that was Palin’s speech on Trump’s candidacy. It was as chock-full of platitudes and meaningless political rhetoric as you’d expect. According to her, Trump will “kick ISIS’ ass” because apparently to her being on a semi-scripted television show dedicated to his own outsized ego is all he needs to be a successful commander in chief. You can’t make this shit up, as it turns out, although I’m not going to quit trying to do just that, no matter how hard the Queen of Derp makes it for me to out-crazy her with the fictitious words I cram down her gullet.


It’s literally impossible to overstate what a boon to a comedian Sarah Palin is. It’s also literally impossible to overstate the cornucopia of comedic opportunity that Donald Trump provides every time he speaks. In fact, Palin and Trump are just a pair of boobs and a vagina apart as far as I can tell. If I were to put up quotes from each about Muslims, do you think you could tell who is who? I know I probably couldn’t. So the fact that the perfect storm of douchebaggery that is Trump and Palin in political bed together has come to fruition is almost enough to make a comedian think they’re dreaming.

Now, granted, there is a cynical part of me that thinks about what four or eight years of a Trump presidency would mean for my material. Add a cabinet that has the likes of Sarah Palin in it, and I could literally die from anticipation over all the stories I’d write. Honestly, the very idea of Donald Trump as president is so far-fetched as to be satirical so were it to become reality and with the added bonus of a Palin-drenched administration and I might just spontaneously combust with anticipation.

On the flip side of course is the terrible damage that could be done by a Trump presidency, exacerbated by whatever stupidity Sarah Palin would add. I’ve seen Idiocracy and I just can’t help but think that if Trump is elected, by the end of his first term “Ow! My Balls!” and “Ass” will debut, if you know what I mean. The question remains to be answered, is a Donald Trump candidacy, much less a presidency, much less a presidency with Sarah Palin heavily involved, too much of a good thing?

I guess that depends. Can you have too much sugar in your diet? Can you really take too much sweet, sweet heroin? Is it remotely possible to eat too much good food, or drink too much good drink?

Oh God…we’re all fucked.

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About James Schlarmann 1446 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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