The DEA Still Can’t Get Its Head Out Of Its Ass On Marijuana

I always like to remind people, whenever we’re talking about the DEA that it was something Richard Nixon created with an executive order.

I feel like if enough people just knew that one little tidbit, it might make enough of a difference to where Americans would be beating down their congress primate’s door demanding the War on Drugs be curtailed, or at the very least that much of the power and budget be stripped from the Drug Enforcement Agency entirely. Nixon was a dirty fuck, and the very idea of a governmental agency solely tasked with controlling what Americans have access to put into their bodies should make us all look at the agency distrustfully.

Needless to say when news broke today that the DEA had decided in its infinite wisdom to keep marijuana on its Schedule I list of drugs that are completely verboten, I got a little cranky. So, being the satirical fuckwit clown that I am, I wrote this piece:

Chain Smoking, Fall-Down Drunk DEA Agent Explains Why Pot Is Bad To Cancer Patient

GOLD RIM, TENNESSEE- An agent with the Drug Enforcement Agency sat down with his friend – a woman who has stage four ovarian cancer – to explain why the DEA’s decision to leave marijuana classified as a Schedule I drug “makes complete and total sense.”

What I found though, was that I was still really angry about this decision. Some might speculate it’s because I’m a “total pothead,” “stoner,” or “Weedy McWeedWeed and The Weedy Weeds.” To that I can only say, “Whhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaa?”

Anyway, whether or not I enjoy a toot, puff, drag, or toke of any substance green or otherwise isn’t why I’m upset. I live in a state that thankfully has at least progressed into the 21st century when it comes to medicinal marijuana. By the way, when you live in a state where you can treat things like your insomnia, depression, anxiety, or any number of ailments with cannabis, it makes hearing the DEA say it’s keeping pot on Schedule I because it has no medicinal purposes fucking laughable and incredibly insulting.

Weed001

I’m not saying that pot is a miracle drug. It’s not. What I am saying is that the DEA is full of shit. It’s not going to cure cancer, but it can and does help cancer patients deal with the incredibly gnarly side effects of cancer treatments. Oh, and the kids who are being cannabis oil to treat their seizures? I bet they’re really convinced pot can’t be used medicinally either.

Look, I’m not a fucking conspiracy theorist, okay? But it is really suspicious that our wholly bought and paid for federal government is willfully ignoring emerging science on pot, isn’t it? Granted, the feds are going to loosen up the restrictions on marijuana research, but that’s pretty much another slap in the face isn’t it? No, not every drug that’s tested should also be in the public’s hands while it’s being tested, but this isn’t synthetic opiates we’re talking about — it’s pot.




We’ve gotten past the point of our country’s marijuana policy being insulting, it’s just downright fucking comical and I swear it’s almost satirical. We live in 2016. Four states have already legalized it completely, and all told half of the states have made medical marijuana legal. How much further behind the times does the DEA want to be at this point?

Surely as a country we’ve progressed to a point where the old stereotypes and stigmas about pot users are jokes and nothing more. We have a president who was once a very frequent toker. Carl Sagan, who by all accounts was a pretty smart guy was an advocate of marijuana use. The entire nation is literally watching one of its most famous stoners continue to shatter Olympic records that take the kind of work and dedication that most would assume a slacker pothead couldn’t muster.

So can we puhhhhleeeeeeeeezzzz cut the shit?


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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About James Schlarmann 1084 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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