After Iowa, It’s Time For The Great Republican Pull-Out

Okay, Republicans. Time to pull the clown car over, and push about 85% of those of you who haven’t had the good sense to exit yet out for good.

Santorum is gone. Hucakbee is out. Rand Paul, much to the broken hearted simpering of his fanboys and girls is out. Republicans are dropping like flies from their primary race, and the only problem I have with it as a left-leaning comedian is that there are still so damn many of them in it. Clearly this race is coming down to what those of us who have watched the GOP tap dance with its own base for the last eight years knew it would eventually: Tea Party vs. Establishment.

And it’s time for the flotsam and jetsam of the race to be jettisoned to greener pastures, Sunday talk shows, and another presidential run in four years (because campaign donations are just too tasty to turn down).

The Tea Party is the force behind Donald Trump and Ted Cruz splitting the “scared, old, white folk” vote like they are, and Marco Rubio — despite being a Tea Party darling initially — has likely become the Establishment’s pick, though something tells me if both the Democratic and Republican power structure had its way, this election would have been Hillary vs. Jeb from the get go. The GOP establishment is probably willing to settle for the younger Rubio though, and so that is who they’d like to see battle it out in November, since clearly no one cares about Jeb Bush except Jeb Bush and his family anymore.

I honestly don’t know how someone like Carly Fiorina actually thought she had a chance, given her abysmal record of failure in both the private sector and in running for office. I have no earthly idea why someone like Ben Carson, who proves that brain surgeons absolutely do not need to be that intelligent to perform brain surgery, thought he could win the support of people who aren’t crazy right-winger Christian morons. I cannot for the life of me figure out why Chris Christie is still up there when Republican voters seem just as unwilling to vote for him as Democratic or independents would be.


Then again, I know exactly why they ran and why they aren’t dropping out: ego and money. They have enormous egos that won’t let them admit that their aspirations were comical, and the money is just too much and comes with too many perks for them to turn it down. So okay, great, they’ve had their fun, and it’s time for the ones that are at the bottom of the barrel to quit. It’s embarrassing enough to someone outside the party to think of the rest of the world seeing what one half of the major party system thinks of as “presidential” candidates, but I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I wasn’t a Tea Partier right now.

Sometimes you’ve just got to know when to pull out, Republicans. I know, you guys are more the abstinence only crowd, so I get how once you’re in there you’d have a hard time pulling yourself out until you feel like you’ve completed…what you started. But it’s time to go. Iowa made it abundantly clear that “safe” choices like John Kasich aren’t where this election is headed. Then again, what the shit do I know? Maybe I’m wrong and Fiorina will be atop the Republican ticket this fall.

All I do know is that there are still a ton of candidates in the race that are polling like they were dead. Any of those candidates are just wasting time and money. And really, as much as Cruz, Trump or Rubio might pose a threat to a Democratic challenger, the same cannot be said for someone that can’t even garner enough interest from their own party to win a single delegate in one of the most conservative states in the country.

Pull out, Republicans. If you know what’s best for your reputation (and the country), you’ll pull out now and not look back…until 2020.

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About James Schlarmann 1444 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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