I don’t want alleged billionaire and literal walking, talking shart in a bad toupee and suit Donald J. trump to be our next president. I really don’t.
That being said, at least we’re legalizing weed at just the right time. Because we’re all going to need to be high as fuck the next four years. Or let’s be honest — six weeks. Trump will either get bored and quit or do something so momentous in its unconstitutionality as to be impeached and removed from office in that time frame, I am sure of it. But since — as I’ve written more times than I can count — I am a clown and not a trained political commentator monkey, let’s just say I’m wrong. Let’s say Trump wins and we get stuck with at least four years of that bloviating, fake piece of reality-TV shit as our president, what then?
Well, I’ll tell you what then — we all are super glad that we can legally smoke pot, that’s what happens then.
Am I saying that pot is a miracle drug? Am I saying that if we all just decide the best way to salve our Trump wounds is to get baked that everything will be magically better? Of fucking course I’m not. The douchebag that literally said Mexico is intentionally sending its drug dealers, rapists, and murderers across our borders would be president. The double-dipped sack of human detritus will be in the Oval Office, and will have access to all the power it contains therein. So clearly, that’s a terrible outcome for America.
But at least we can just get really fucking stoned every day he’s president, if they keep legalizing pot like it seems our politicians are finally hip enough to do.
It’s not much; it’s a consolation prize at best. Because we’ll still have a front row seat for all the insane derpy shit that America’s right wing will try then, as they’ll be emboldened by their guy’s win. Still, though, weed has a great tendency to make you forget about the terrible stuff, if but for a brief, fleeting moment. It’s hard to imagine just how terrible things will be with that schlock-ridden scumlord as our president, but at the very bare minimum at least we can all smoke weed together and forget about it for awhile.
Well, that is unless you’re black. Something tells me this country is still so backwards on race relations that even once pot is legal in all fifty states, we’ll find some way to keep sticking it to the African-American community. Because honestly — find me a period in this country’s history where they weren’t getting the short end of one stick or another. Slavery. Jim Crow. Voting rights. Police brutality. It’s kinda been an endless shit show for them, so I wouldn’t put it past our doughy, lazy asses to end the drug war for everyone except the black community.
Still though, at least for the majority of us there will be an option to completely obliterate our brain cells. You might think that’s a bad thing for society, but I ask you — what’s worse? A society full of glass-eyed people self-medicating through the outright human tragedy of President Donald Trump, or a society full of wall-eyed simpletons proudly beating their chests as they send another busload of Muslims to the concentration camps where they live until they’re deported?
So you see, weed could be helpful both in helping get those of us who aren’t racists, homophobes, or weird anti-Islamic bigots through our days. It can be useful in mollifying the idiots who will use Trump the Intellectual Turnip’s election as some kind of twisted mandate to cock-up our society. Talk about a win-win.
Some of you might fear a society full of zombie like Americans if they legalize weed and we all start using it to soothe our electoral wounds. But I’d have to ask you if you think the election of Donald Trump isn’t proof we’re already outnumbered by zombie-like protohumans. Because, well, the fact that he won the primary and will be the Republican Party’s nominee pretty much reveals that fact to be true already, doesn’t it?
Smoke it if you got it America; you’re going to need it.