That White Thing on Ted Cruz’s Lip Was All Our Souls Trying to Escape the Debate

Ted Cruz ate a booger on a debate stage in front of millions of people…

I always knew he was a snot-nosed brat; I just didn’t know how literal that description was. And Cruz’s booger slurp was only like the third or fourth most “WTF!” moment of a debate that left Marco Rubio hoarse, reassured us that Donald’s dong is just fine thank you, and proved definitively the Republican Party shouldn’t be trusted to run a bake sale, let alone any branch of our government.

The booger that traveled down Cruz’s nose, onto his upper lip, and then eventually back down to his lower lip where it was sucked back into his gaping maw, where it was vacuumed down deep into his bowels represents more than just Cruz’s presidential hopes dying in disgusting real-time. That booger represents all of our souls trying to escape that debate, but being sucked back in no matter how hard we tried to get away. That booger represents all of us trying to get away from the Republican Party’s mess in general, only to be dragged back in, kicking and screaming.

When the most important thing you can take away from a debate is that one of the contestants is confident in their penis size, you have yourselves the most clustery of fucks imaginable. Just stop and try to imagine some of the greatest presidential debates in our country’s history. Now imagine them with the contestants shouting over each other, defending their dongs, and eating boogers.

Now do we see why the GOP has become a party of angry, white frat boys run amok?


And don’t get me wrong — I’m not complaining one iota. I’m a political comedian for shit’s sake. This display the Republicans are putting on is like a never-ending cornucopia of derp. And I don’t know if you know this, but the main staple in a political comedians’ diet is a steady stream of derp — from all across the political spectrum. Right now though, it’s the GOP that’s feeding me bucket load after bucket load of glorious, material-laden derp.

I usually don’t tune into the primary debates and watch them live, but boy am I glad I tuned in last night. You know who the big winners were last night? Ben Carson, Scott Walker, Jeb! Bush, and every other Republican who had the sense to get out before Donald did what Donald did last night. They threw everything at him. Cruz and Rubio teamed-up to try and fuck Trump like an intern they’d be quietly be rushing to a Planned Parenthood clinic every eight to ten weeks. But if you think for one New York minute that Trump was defeated last night, you have not been paying attention to the Republican Party for the last eight years or more.

This is what happens when you wall yourself up in a media bubble because you believe everyone else is lying to you. When you placate every paranoid delusion, you wind up with a delusional electorate that thinks Trump is the guy for the job. Not that Cruz or Rubio are right for the job either, but they’re who the establishment wants. Or at the very least they’re hoping the three biggest douchebags from last night beat each other up and eather Kasich or even Mittens Q. Romneybot rides to their rescue.

But regardless of how all that’s going to pan out, I can say this much without a moment’s hesitation on my breath: If you watched that shit show of a debate last night and you still vote for a Republican, any Republican, to be the president — don’t breed. If you have already procreated, stop. Tell your kids they can’t procreate. Because I’ve seen “Idiocracy” and I am not going to be eating at Butt-Fuckers any time soon.

To the say modern day Republican Party is a joke is an understatement and an insult to comedy. They’re a five-alarm dumpster fire of hate, bigotry, climate-science denial, and 19th century economic and foreign policy goals. If the number two candidate in your field is seen eating a booger on a debate stage and that isn’t even the worst part of the night, I think it’s time for your party to go into quietly into the night.

We all want to get away from the GOP; but like that booger, we may not be able to.

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About James Schlarmann 1346 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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