Dear Tomi Lahren: The Facebook Live Beating Had Nothing To Do With #NotMyPresident, So Shut The Fuck Up

Dear Tomi Lahren,

By now, anyone who’s even superficially aware of your superficiality and dog whistle racism knows that you like to talk out of both sides of your mouth. You gnash your teeth and howl at Colin Kaepernick because of his support of Black Lives Matter — your favorite chew toy — because you say it preaches racial divisiveness. You even go so far as to stupidly claim the KKK and Black Lives Matter are somehow the same thing.

What makes you so horrific is you’re not even that good at being a closeted conservative racist. Because while you harp on Kaepernick for generalizing about white people — something he’s actually never done — if facts matter to you at all, Nazi Barbie — you can’t help but jump all over this horrendous story of the assault of a special needs person by a group of four black people so you can generalize about Black Lives Matter.

Let me remind you, Aryan Princess, what you tweeted last night, since you lost your nerve and deleted it:

It’s nice to know you’re one of the many millions of conservatives who genuinely believe that Twitter is suppressing your conspiracy theories and bullshit. Just because you guys don’t know how an algorithm works, and therefore haven’t deduced that maybe, juuuuuuuuuusssst maybe, the Twitter community isn’t as concerned about your lies and propaganda as you are, that doesn’t mean Twitter is doing jack-shit, and you know it. That’s probably why you deleted the tweet, though you came back at it with these doozies:

I’d ask you if you’re fucking kidding me right now, but I know you’re not. You really can’t help yourself. In your mind, every crime committed by a black person is now because of Black Lives Matter, and you’ve shown you believe that every time something bad happens and it’s not perpetrated by a Republican, it’s related to people protesting the election of Donald Trump.  Oh, well…

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME TOMI?

This is your big problem, but it’s also your sales strategy. You accuse everyone you don’t like of doing exactly what you do. You’re generalizing about people who have a legitimate reason to protest Trump’s election by saying we all condone this horrible act in Chicago. Of course we don’t condone it. Violence is disgusting, no matter who is carrying it out. I wonder, Tomi, if you’d be okay with me judging every crime committed by a person claiming to be a Christian as being a knock on Christianity?

I wonder if you’d be pissed off and rattle off a million word, million-mile-an-hour, breathless “Final Thoughts” segment if I told everyone that Republicans are thugs because some random Republican in Dumbfuck, Iowa beat up a gay person, Muslim, or Mexican. Something tells me that kind of generalization would ignite your neuron in such a way as to maybe even burn completely out, leaving you, thankfully, thoughtless, though likely not silent, so what’s the point?

Fraulein Lahren, let me be at least one progressive voice condemning this attack so maybe, just maybe you’ll stop treating people who disagree with you like a monolith, you fucking hypocritical douche monger. Now, onto your other tweet on the subject, yes?

Um, Stupid?

None of those things that Michael Brown did are crimes that, if convicted, would carry a death sentence. That’s the entire fucking point of Black Lives Matter. It isn’t a movement to get black people who are found guilty off, it’s to keep people who otherwise wouldn’t be abused or killed from being abused or killed.

And you wonder why you get called racist? Maybe it’s because you can’t wait to demonize victims of police brutality if they’re black, and you can’t wait to demonize a movement — not an organization, something you’ll never understand — whose sole purpose is simply to demand equal treatment of all suspects, regardless of their skin color.

The point, you thick fuck, is that we used to believe in this country that cops weren’t above the law. We didn’t give them extra powers because of how dangerous their job was; we gave them respect because we believed we’d be treated respectfully. But assholes like you have, over the years, worked to turn our country into a police state. And you’ll call us all cop haters if we just simply point out that, say, assaulting a police officer isn’t a felony that carries capital punishment as its price for commission.

The thing is, Tomi, that BLM’s cause is our cause, all of us. There was a time when Republican kids marched with black civil rights demonstrators. There was a time when Republicans risked their very lives for the cause of equality because they were actually willing to listen to the words coming out of black people’s mouths, instead of calling them all “perpetual victims” and blaming all their problems on the breakdown of the family. As if white people don’t commit violent crimes and don’t have divorce rates just as high.

You’re a racist, Tomi, because you forgive all the sins of the white middle-class so long as they aren’t Democrats or liberals. You’re a racist because you look for a reason to blame victims of police instead of doing what rational, sane people do and see that no person, no matter their skin color, should lose their lives because they allegedly stole cigars. You’re a racist, Tomi, because you see black people committing a crime and you immediately jump up to vilify an entire community of black people for it, instead of focusing your ire and outrage on the individuals who committed the crime.

For someone who claims to understand personal responsibility, you sure are quick to hold an entire population responsible instead, aren’t you?




It’s the invention of the BLM narrative in this Chicago assault that is most egregiously hypocritical. You are incessantly haranguing people like Kaepernick because you say they invent narratives to support their cause, but here you are, Tomi, falsely spreading the story that the assholes who beat up that innocent man in Chicago were representative of Black Lives Matter as a whole, or even the message that BLM stands for. If you’re not willfully racist, you’re willfully ignorant which is causing you to act like a racist.  But above all, the fact is that this crime had nothing to do with BLM or #NotMyPresident, and your attempts to make it about that are, well, obvious and pathetic. So…

Ignorant, naive, unintentional racist…or unsubtle, overt racist. Your pick, Nazi Barbie.

Your Pal,

Jambo The Clown


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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About James Schlarmann 1430 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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