Top 4 Stories on President Trump’s New “Real” News Show

As time goes by and we inch further along with Donald Trump as our president, the lines between him and someone like Kim-Jong Un get blurrier and blurrier. One of the hallmarks of authoritarian or fascist regimes is having a press corps that reports only what the person in charge wants reported. In other words, that whole “Free and Fair Press” thing that’s in our Constitution makes autocrats nervous. If you can’t control the narrative, it makes it hard to control what people believe, which in turns makes them infinitely harder to steamroll.

Just when you thought that Trump’s all-out assault on the press couldn’t get more dictatorial, we get word that Trump has actually started what he calls a “real news” program on his Facebook feed. It’s hosted by the woman married to his son Eric…or at least the man who keeps claiming he’s Donald’s son…Don’s not too sure about that one. But nothing says “fair and unbiased” like having your daughter-in-law cover you as a “journalist” right?

But okay, let’s just skip right over the voluminous, boisterous laughter at the mere suggestion that Trump’s news program will be anything but sycophantic ass kissing of the orange fuckface. Let’s instead pretend we work for the Trump News Program. And let’s come up with their first four blockbuster stories, shall we?

We shall.

Top 4 Stories on President Trump’s New “Real” News Show

#4. Barack Obama Wasn’t Born in Kenya; He Was Born in Hell!

It takes a big, bigly man to admit his mistakes. In an exclusive interview, President Trump admits that he was wrong all along when he was the king of the “birther” movement. For years, Trump accused Barack Obama of faking his Hawaiian birth certificate and claimed on several occasions to have a real one, or knowledge of a real one. But in this interview, Trump admits he was wrong, and then lays a truth bomb on the world — Obama was born in Hell. Of course he was, he’s the Black Devil/Democrat. 

Still no word on his long form span of Satan certificate though.

#3. Fox News Proven To Be Liberal Fake News!

Sure, it helped his party convince millions of Americans that not only was Blacky McDemocrat the worst president since the last worst president, who was also, of course, a Democrat. And sure, it helped him win the nomination and presidency by convincing millions of Americans he’s a successful businessman and not a trust fund baby who has failed at almost everything he’s done. But did you know Fox News is liberal fake news? It’s true! Not once has the network reported on him throwing a perfect game under Major League Conditions! And Fox still has that super-duper liberal guy Shep Smith on their airwaves, even after he’s dared to say President/God/Emperor Trump wasn’t telling the truth! 




Thank God Trump News is here to expose Fox as the propaganda wing of Alinksy Party for Communist Haters of America, eh?

#2. Hillary Clinton Helped Planned Parenthood Broker a Deal With Ukraine to Sell of 90% of America’s Dead Baby Supplies

Why isn’t the mainstream, libtarded press talking about this? Because it’s a scandal involving KILLARY CLINTSTONED, and their favorite — literally their most favorite — thing ever, abortion, that’s why. We already knew that Planned Parenthood is in the business of literally selling dead baby parts, but did you know Killary helped them sell our country’s reserves of dead babies to Ukraine? Why are we still talking about Russian collusion and not this story?

Because Obama, prolly. Or Hillary. I don’t know. Thinking hurts!

#1. President Trump Won the Popular Vote and the Electoral College Unanimously

We all know that Trump actually won the popular vote. Once you discount the 6.2 trillion illegals that most definitely voted in our election last year, that is. And then, if you just throw out every Democratic vote as not counting because, you know, “Democrat,” you wind up seeing that the only votes were cast for Trump. Therefore, even though the FAKE NEWS isn’t reporting it, the simple truth is that Trump won the election unanimously; the first time that’s ever happened. But not the last.

Trump can do it again in 2020, and maybe even win 112% of the vote this time!

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About James Schlarmann 1446 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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