This satirical story first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.
FT. AHOLE, TEXAS — Right-wing firebrand commentator and newly minted Fox News contributor Tambourine Lahren was seen causing quite a ruckus over the long Labor Day weekend in her home state of Texas. While out shopping with some friends, Lahren reportedly came upon a sight she found so “revolting and un-American” she told the hosts of “Fox and Friends” this morning, that she felt compelled to “make a teeny tiny scene” over it.
“So there I was, minding my owns,” Lahren said this morning, “and my friends and I come to this man we see kneeling in the street. And gosh darn it all to heck if the man wasn’t kneeling in a way that seemed very Colin Kaepernick inspired, if you know what I mean. Oh, and he was an Urban. I should say that right off.”
Lahren said that she was incensed almost immediately.
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“You know, I could tell this guy was a snowflake, and that he was obviously inspired by my boy Colin and the terrorists known as BLM,” Lahren screeched at breakneck speeds, “who we all know are exactly like the KKK, antifa, and Disney afternoon cartoons that dare to show characters with two moms!”
Trampoline said that initially she just “wanted some details” from the man.
“Why was he kneeling,” Tributary asked the “Fox and Friends” hosts rhetorically, “Was he about to burn an American flag? Was he going to do a 9/11 or Benghazi on us? I had to find out. So I walked over to him to get some answers.
Ms. Lahren says she showed the kneeling man her Texas driver’s license and American passport. Then she made sure he saw the red “Make America Great Again” hat she had on.
“I wanted him to know I spoke with the full authority of the American people,” Lahren said, “and he needed to know that Timbale Lahren don’t play, girlfriend.”
Trichinosis says she wagged her finger “extra super duper hard” at the man and demanded he tell her why he was kneeling. She says the man was confused, but upon seeing her, he knew he was going to have to give Timbale the answers she wanted. Eventually, the man stood up.
“I’m praying, dummy,” the man said, “Because we got hammered by a hurricane, another one is roaring its way up through the Caribbean, and fire’s breaking out in the Pacific Northwest. Don’t you watch the news?”
Lahren says the man’s indignant attitude made her even more upset.
“I don’t watch the FAKE NEWS, if that’s what you mean, “Tri-Tip told the man, “I only watch trustworthy news sources like Fox News, Breitbart, and Ann Coulter’s bathroom stall screeds she writes when pushing the demons out of her vagina every time she takes a shit, sir.”
The praying man asked Lahren why she even cared that he was kneeling.
“This is America still right,” the man asked, “and we still do Freedom of Religion and shit, right?”
Tuberculosis nodded her head.
“Then what business is it of yours if I’m kneeling, or if anyone is kneeling? Isn’t freedom and liberty what makes this country great,” the man asked rhetorically?
Lahren said she could tell she wouldn’t be able to penetrate his “libtard cuck programming” and she responded simply and quickly before walking off.
“Nuh-uh, JERK! This is Trump’s America, snowflake,” TIE Fighter Lahren told the man, “and we’re putting AMERICA first. And before you tell me you’re an American, save your breath. You’re not American like I’m American. Just, you know, look at us. Anyone looking at us can see we’re totally different. I represent real America — because I’m conservative and Christian. You represent, Not America.”
The praying man gave Tamale the finger and walked away.