Hi President-Elect Fuckwit Du Orange Vomit Pile,
I just thought I’d send a little missive your way, after realizing I knew something you might not know. Actually, given how defensive you are about the subject, I suspect you’re far more aware of it and in tune with what it means than you’d ever let on. Thou doth protest too much about losing the popular vote, and I think it tears away at your putrid, fetid, orange-tinted flesh knowing one simple fact.
Barack Obama and both Hillary and Bill Clinton are more popular than you.
The proof is in that pesky little popular vote you keep pretending to ignore. When Bill Clinton won in 1992 he got 44 million votes and beat George H.W. Bush’s popular vote totals by a margin of about 5.5%. In 1996, he got 47 million total votes and beat Bob Dole by a nearly 10% berth. In 2008, Barack Obama got nearly 70 million votes, that’s about 7 or 8 million more votes than you got, Donny, and his winning margin was over 7%. Four years later, Obama still got about three million more votes than you did, and his margin of victory in the popular vote was about 4%.
At current counts, Hillary Clinton got roughly 3 million more votes than your 62 million. That puts you in the red, in terms of the popular vote, to the tune of a few percentage points. Ergo, no matter how you look at it, you are the least popular president in modern history. Hell, even George W. Bush lost the popular vote to Al Gore by a smaller percentage than you lost to Hillary. You are not as popular as you think you are.
Let me repeat that, because it’s so very important for you and your supporters to understand: You aren’t that popular, and you only won because you tapped into people’s anger and fears, which will eventually subside when they all see, plainly, how much of a conman carnival barker you really are.
This is something you can’t deny, explain away, or run from. You can and are entitled to hang tightly onto your Electoral College victory. It wasn’t the “landslide” you keep trying to tell people it is, but hey, you defied the odds and won the election. I mean, you had to do it in the most infeld fly rule-y of ways, and you did in a way that, not unironically seems like dating your own daughter, but you did in fact win the contest as described in the rules.
But in the grand scheme of things, the popular vote still matters because it shows that your victory really isn’t as big as that of Obama’s or of Clinton’s. And you considering that you couldn’t best Hillary’s totals, just go to bed every night knowing that you’re less popular than the loser of this year’s elections. So that’s five presidential elections that you by all rights would have lost, even if one of them you won on a bullshit technicality.
Bullshit technicalities, though, aren’t real, live American citizens. Voters are. And in terms of sheer, raw numbers, you couldn’t beat any of their totals. By any reasonable definition, therefore, you are least liked and popular among the three of you. I know that must eat at your core, oh orange one, and if you weren’t such a bombastic, hubris-filled turd muffin, I’d maybe feel a modicum of sympathy for you. It must be truly tragic to live up in that sulfuric tower of yours, surveying your kingdom, and knowing that the majority of your subjects think you’re a massive douchebag, and probably the biggest douchebag in the entire country.
Why am I telling you this, if you already know it? Because trolling you is fun. It’s fun because you’re a big, fat, baby with tiny hands. You can’t lay off anyone who thinks you’re a piece of shit, and clearly millions of Americans — dozens of millions of them — think you’re exactly that. I plan to spend as much time mocking you about this fact as I can for however long your pudgy, stubby, diminutive fingers grasp the Big Red Button.
In fact, this is a message I think you should send onto and even amplify for your most hardcore of acolytes. They, for whatever sad reason, have bought your bill of goods. They didn’t see you for the lifelong conman who won the genetic lottery like the rest of us do, and they think for some dumb reason you were swept into power by some historically large landslide. You weren’t. You lost the popular vote by a much, much wider margin than even George W. Bush did. The country at large didn’t want you as president, and no matter how much caterwauling you or your sycophants do, you can’t wiggle free from that fact.
It really would behoove all of you to process this, as soon as possible. Because if you thought the anger and protests the last few weeks have been a lot to handle, you have four full fucking years of full-throated, angry, bitter dissent coming your way. And you morons also gave us the Obstructionist Playbook with Obama over the last eight years to boot. Hell hath no fury like liberals robbed of presidential administration by way of the Electoral College.
Obama is handing you guys a recovered country. Maybe we all can agree it hasn’t recovered as well as we wanted it to, but then that “obstruction” word just keeps getting brought up, so that means something, I think.
Telling us to just “get over” the fact that Trump won is laughable. It doesn’t matter that California alone carried the popular vote for Hillary. Trump won the whole shebang by about a margin of 80,000 votes out of more than 125 million cast. I’m not even going to bother doing the math on that because I’m a comedian and would fuck-up a decimal somewhere, but suffice to say it’s a smaller percentage than the chances that Donald hasn’t peaked on Ivanka in the shower in the last five years.
Get over it, Trump? Get over it, Trump supporters? Sure. We’ll get over it and accept you as our rightful president…the same way you accepted reality and moved on when Obama was elected. Twice.
And now for something related…
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.