Trump has dirt on Roger Ailes/Fox News. Here are 5 guesses what that dirt is.

As I was perusing the usual batch of headlines upon which to build the foundation of my satirical work, I came across an article this morning on The Huffington Post that caught my eye. The nuts and bolts of the story are that thanks to a falling out between Fox News bigwig Roger Ailes and one of his employees, Donald Trump found himself in a position to personally mediate the dispute, and in turn picked up knowledge of information that sources say could be quite the metaphorical bomb dropped on Ailes and his news organization.

But in a newly published article Sunday in New York Magazine, author and journalist Gabriel Sherman reveals how Trump came to possess ultra-insider information about Fox News and its founder, Roger Ailes, that could be damaging if it were ever to be made public.

It’s this leverage, Sherman writes, that has so far discouraged Fox News from launching an all-out war on Trump. (source)

This got my brain to thinking…just what kind of dirt does Trump have on Roger Ailes? It must be really good, and really damaging to Fox’s brand if they’re going to let Trump manhandle them like he is. So here now, are the five best guesses I had as to what kind of information Trump is keeping secret for Fox News and Roger Ailes.

#5. Sean Hannity understands that systemic racism still exists as a remnant of centuries of slavery and Jim Crow

Oh man, just imagine the outrage and ire from the right if it turns out that Hannity isn’t a racist apologist who constantly finds ways to use dog whistle racism to blame all problems people of color face on their laziness or desire to stay addicted to government. What if Hannity secretly knew that it’s completely impossible for all racism to have magically disappeared, and that’s why we still need the Voting Rights Act and affirmative action. Heads would explode all over the Bible belt.

#4. Eric Bolling secretly acknowledges that weather and climate aren’t the same thing

Everyone knows that leading climate deniers run to Fox News to spew their bullshit. So just imagine if part of the dirt that Trump has on Ailes is that one of Fox’s top douchebags, host Eric Bolling, secretly understands that weather and climate may be related, but not remotely the same thing. That could lead one to believe Bolling understands why it’s so alarming that long-term climate patterns show an increase in global temperatures and why that’s not good news for humanity. The scandal it would create at Fox News for one of their own to actually deal in reality when it comes to the climate would be quite monumental.

#3. Megyn Kelly doesn’t assume a person of color in a hoodie is a “thug”

Imagine the ire and consternation it would cause to find out Head Blonde Megyn Kelly actually doesn’t prejudge people of color to be a thug if they’re wearing hoodies and other clothing typically presumed by conservatives to connote a certain “criminal” or “thuggish” or “black” tendencies! After all, this is the woman who hastened to remind us that a 15-year old girl in a bathing suit slammed to the ground by cops in Texas was “not a saint” either. She also was one of many Fox anchors reminding everyone that Trayvon Martin looked suspicious, you know, being black and carrying a soft drink and candy and all. So I think it would cause quite a commotion if Trump revealed that she isn’t a white race baiter after all.

#2. Bill O’Reilly is a big, fat, fucking moron 

Yeah, this one isn’t really dirt, a rumor, or even secret, I know. But I cannot pass up any chance I’m given to state the obvious like this. Bill O’Reilly is a big, fat, fucking moron. And something tells me even Fox viewers know this. Now, is this one just an empty ad hominem against Bill O’Reilly? Of course it is. But do I give a shit? Of course I don’t. Why? Because fuck Bill O’Reilly, that’s why.

#1. Roger Ailes is a Secret Kenyan Communist

No, this will not remotely happen. But still, can you just imagine if Trump spilled the beans that all along it’s been Ailes who has been the secret Communist/Kenyan/Sharia Loving/socialist/Saul Alinksy worshiper? Conservative tears would flood our streets. It’d be breathtaking, to watch them all melt. But alas, that won’t happen. Still, one has to wonder what exactly it is that Trump and Ailes both would consider so damaging to Fox News that they’d kowtow to the reality-TV attention whore so much. Hopefully very soon we’ll find out, but until then, I’m holding out hope it’s one of these ideas I came up with.

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About James Schlarmann 1312 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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