Dear President-Elect Sewage Spill: You Have No Clue How Many Enemies You Really Have

Dear President-Elect Sewage Spill,

Your wish for a Happy New Year to “all including [your] many enemies” is pretty hilarious. I think it’s hilarious, anyway, because it’s just another, fresh example of how self-unaware you, your staff, and your followers truly are.

I should say it’s kinda hilarious that someone who pretends to be a man “of the people” is always so willing to cast his fellow Americans as “enemies.” I honestly cannot think of another president, not another demagogue even, who labeled American citizens as enemies, ever. Ronald Reagan, the guy you are so transparently trying to be the second coming of, might have chided liberalism, and he might have worked very hard against a liberal agenda, but he never painted American citizens with liberal points of view as his enemy.

Not once.

This is why you’re such an embarrassing pile of empty platitudes and rhetoric in an expensive suit and totally unconvincing hair piece, President-Elect Piss Mouth. You’re the living embodiment of Tea Party anger and talking points. You’re the personification of all their rank hypocrisy about loving this country, when they really hate and despise so many millions of Americans. And the thing is, there are many more millions of Americans who think like we, your enemies, do, but we’ll get to that.

You’re not only a naked emperor, if the Russian hacking stories are true, you’re very likely an unwitting Manchurian Candidate. Either that or you’re complicit in being a puppet, and I’m not sure which story line is better for you — an accidental pawn, or a willing one. But hey, let’s table the Russian shit for another time; something tells me it’s a narrative that will haunt you for your entire presidency.

Maybe you were just tweeting to yourself.

I mean, is anyone really going to be surprised when you fuck up enough that even Republican congressional under-bridge dwellers can’t deny it any longer? Is anyone really going to be super duper shocked if you’re impeached and thrown out of office? Clearly, when we look at your Twitter time line, and when we consider how cozy you’re getting with a foreign leader we can reasonably assume was at least trying to throw the election in your favor, we see that Donald Trump’s own worst enemy  has been and always will be Donald Trump.

You can’t see an SNL sketch mocking your eminently mockable ass without a 3am tweet storm. You can’t gracefully accept that you won the presidency on a technicality from the 19th century, realize that means you have no mandate, and then govern from a more centrist position. Instead, you think, clearly, you’re going to make up for your gross incompetence and dearth of preparation for the job by bullying everyone. The press? You’ll bully them. Union leaders who call you out? You’ll bully them.

But I have news for you, Donny Dipshit.

You got 12 million fewer votes than all your competitors combined. Sure, you lost by three million to Clinton, and that is more than enough to wrest the notion of any sort of mandate out of the equation. But taken in concert, your opponents amassed nearly 75 million votes, and you got 62 million. As I wrote in this piece below, the simple math is that the equivalent of nearly a quarter of the population voted against you, and of those that cast ballots this year, more than half were against you.

I’m Not A Snowflake Or A Whiner, Math Is Why Trump Is #NotMyPresident

By any rightful measure, President-Elect Dildos For Neurons, you lost the election. But you didn’t, I know. You won “fair and square” according to the Electoral College — the infield fly rule of election mechanisms. Still, you “won.” However, when you tweet about how you have “many” enemies, you may not realize the raw vote counts show you have more enemies than allies, sir.

You have roughly 66 million enemies who voted for Hillary Clinton. You have about 4 million enemies who voted for Gary Johnson. You have over a million enemies who voted for Jill Stein, and you have more who wrote in different candidates or chose another name on their state’s ballot. You were the least popularly elected president of all time, and your bullshit claim that your Electoral College win was a landslide, historic victory is, well, bullshit.

Trump’s electoral college victory not a ‘massive landslide’

Donald Trump won enough electoral votes on Election Day to become president. But he and his staff have been trying to make clear that they didn’t just win – they say they steamrolled Hillary Clinton. “We had a massive landslide victory, as you know, in the Electoral College,” Trump told Chris Wallace on the Dec.

All those maps you and your followers keep wanting us to believe show how it’s just those loony liberals on the cost that voted for you, and everywhere else was a solid, monolotic sea of Trump loving red? More bullshit.

FACT CHECK: Trump Won 3,084 of 3,141 Counties, Clinton Won 57

Claim: President-elect Donald Trump won 3,084 of America’s 3,141 counties; Hillary Clinton won just 57. Example: [ Collected via e-mail and Twitter, December 2016] Origin:In late 2016, much of the post-election discourse focused on the popular vote versus the electoral vote.

I don’t know that all this matters, either. We have more than enough evidence to show that a) the majority or at least plurality of Americans don’t want you, b) you will rely on not much more than rhetorical bullshit and empty taking points to convince your followers everyone else is lying to them and that c) that makes you a cult leader. A dangerous, self-serving cult leader. But your party controls the federal government wholesale right now, so it might not matter.

It might not truly matter at all what a horrific piece of shit that is so obviously despised by the majority of Americans you are, because Republicans just want to Republican-up the government.

But that doesn’t change the fact that your enemies plan to be louder than even Tea Party Patriots were about the black-Kenyan-communist-Sharia loving-Democrat in the White House the last eight years, and you’re in for a hell of a rocky ride. So, yeah, Trump, Happy New Year. From one of your loudest, proudest enemies. Here’s hoping your 2017 is as great for you as 2016 was for your millions and millions of enemies both here and abroad.

Vayaa Con Tu Hija Quien Te Quierres Chingar,

Jambo

Related Video: “Donald Trump’s 2017 New Year’s Resolutions”


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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About James Schlarmann 1194 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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