Man With Fake Tan, Fake University, Fake Charity, Fake TIME Covers and Fake Presidency Says CNN Is Fake

President Trump desperately, and I do mean D-E-S-P-E-R-A-T-E-L-Y, needs to have the whole wide world believe CNN and every other mainstream, non-Breitbart or non-InfoWars media outlet is fraudulent. How desperate is the Orange Shit Clown to push this narrative, you ask? For starters, he’s desperate enough to spend more time tweeting about CNN, the “Failing” New York Times, and other media outlets than he has about the hate crime in Portland the other week or even the twenty-five people who were shot in a club in Arkansas just a couple days ago.

Trump is clamoring so hard to have the American people buy into his modern day Lügenpresse campaign that he’s taken to just all-out verbal assault on two MSNBC hosts. When is the last time you saw Trump speaking in public and not mention how “mean” the press is to him, or how much they lie about him? I know that we’re all probably very tired of the Trump/Hitler comparisons, but it really is quite shocking, isn’t it, that Trump is acting quite so Hitler-ian about the press?

Then, of course, there’s this morning’s ridiculously unpresidential tweet:

Donald J. Trump on Twitter

FraudNewsCNN #FNN https://t.co/WYUnHjjUjg


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To be fair to the Apricot Twat, he did pretty much tweet a warning to us all that his crazy, unhinged, loony, deranged, reality-deprived tweets would only get crazier, more unhinged, loonier, more deranged, more reality-deprived, and probably more to the point, unpresidential, just a day ago.

Donald J. Trump on Twitter

My use of social media is not Presidential – it’s MODERN DAY PRESIDENTIAL. Make America Great Again!

Over on the Alternative Facts Facebook page, I had this take on that particularly dumb tweet.

But all this talk of fake news from Team Trump is quite revealing. I’ve come to the realization that modern day Republicans are the absolute kings and queens of projection. Just look at how they’re braying and foaming at the mouth of the “unprecedented obstrution” of the Democrats right now. It’s as if they know that their own media outlets have kept their voters pleasantly duped into believing that what the GOP did for eight years to Obama was just some good ol’ fashioned American Patriot-ing™, and that none of them will see the truly stupendous irony in them calling anyone obstructionists.




Trump’s hypocrisy on the paradigm of genuineness, though, is particularly thick and tasty.

First and foremost, his skin tone. Look, as a modern libtard, I know the folly of judging people by their skin tone. But that’s not what I’m doing here. I’m saying that Donald Trump was born a pasty-ass white man, and that now he uses so much tanner and bronzer he looks like a croissant dipped in orange marmalade. Which, tasty at it sounds, proves that on a very superficial level he is fake as fuck. And don’t me started on whatever the hell it is he does with his “hair.”

Trump calls CNN the “Fraud News Network” now, I guess, but if I’m not wrong, CNN didn’t just file a fraud settlement for their fake university. Someone else did though. And I’m just having the hardest time in the world remembering who it was. Hang on, let me go Google some shit. Oh, right, there it is…

Judge approves $25 million settlement in Trump University cases

A federal judge has given final approval to a $25 million settlement to litigation against Trump University, a now-defunct real estate seminar program once owned by Donald Trump. Trump had agreed not long after his election to settle two class-action suits filed by former customers of the program in California, as well as a New York state lawsuit.


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Still, that’s just one case of Trump literally being a fraud. It’s not like he’s been caught having several fake TIME magazine covers with him on it made up, right? It’s not like his gigantic fucking ego made him print those covers out and put them up in multiple businesses he owns, right? It’s not like he’d be so hypocritical as to make a fake magazine cover from a magazine that exists in the same mainstream media industry that he heckles and abuses to make himself look more important and famous, right?

How To Tell a Fake TIME Cover From a Real One

There are more than 4,800 “real” covers of TIME magazine that have been designed over the past 94 years. That’s certainly a lot of history, but it may well be dwarfed by all of the “fake” TIME covers that have been produced over the years. Occasionally, these knockoff covers generate real news.

Oh, well, shit.

Okay, but check it out, sure he’s got a fake tan. Sure, he’s got a fake university. Sure, he’s petty and egotistical enough to have fake magazine covers made, printed, and put on display. All that just makes him a garden variety hypocrite. He’s not truly evil. It’s not like he’s stolen money out of the hands of kids with cancer, right?

How Donald Trump Shifted Kids-Cancer Charity Money Into His Business

Donald Trump is one of the least charitable billionaires in the world. Eric Trump is far more altruistic. In a clash of values, the president directed hundreds of thousands of dollars from his son’s kids-with-cancer foundation into his company coffers.

Yeah…okay. Fuck Donald Trump. I mean, not to be controversial. But fuck Donald Trump. Yoda take the wheel.


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About James Schlarmann 1446 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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