Dear President Cry Baby: Your Fear Mongering Is Already Old AF. Shut Up And Get To Work.

Dear President Fuckface,

While announcing your new pick for Labor Secretary, having had your first one be forced to withdraw over concerns over what a piece of shit human being he was, you decided to take part in what has become one of his favorite pastimes: Fear Mongering. You said you “inherited a mess” and the world — and our country — is all kinds of fucked up right now. Bullshit, President Elect Whiny Bitch.

First of all, quit stealing President Obama’s shit, dude. He’s the one who inherited a real mess. He came into power after the last president handed him a smoking rubble pile of an economy, with international confidence in our country’s institutions pretty well flattened. He inherited a mess, dick. You inherited a functioning, recovered economy. There’s room for improvement, but crime isnt’ at an all-time high, millions of illegal votes weren’t cast, and the peace and stability of the world is pretty great right now, despite what your golfing buddy Vladimir Putin is trying to do to it.

This isn’t the first time you’ve banged the drum of paranoia, xenophobia, and Islamaphobia. It’s how you got elected. But now, asshole, we’re a month in, and you’re supposed to be a president for all of us, including those of us who see right through your utter bullshit.

The world isn’t anymore a mess today than it was ten, fifteen, or thirty years ago. Jesus Christ, asshole, fifty years ago a black guy and a white woman couldn’t get married. Forty years ago a woman couldn’t control her own reproduction. Goddamn, you idiot, less than five years ago homosexuals couldn’t get married. Ten years ago, our economy was decimated, and hemorrhaging a million jobs a month. By any REASONABLE standard, idiot, you didn’t inherit a mess; you inherited a country on better footing than the last guy.

But I want to specifically address your incessant bitching about the press and leaks. First of all, you have to be fucking kidding me with your tweets this morning, President Whiny Toddler. This one in particular reaches new waves of pluperfect hypocrisy and self-delusion.

Now, allow me President Carbuncle, to show you a tweet from about five years ago. You might remember those days as your King Birther days. You remember, don’t you? When you were constantly bringing up a racist rumor about Barack Obama’s birth certificate? Remember that?

Well, hey, fuck it, the Internet is forever. So here’s your tweet from 2012, dipshit.

I’ll take this time to remind you, President Chester A. Liar, that you had evidence then, just as you never had any evidence, that Obama’s birth certificate was fake. His birth certificate was fake like your Electoral College victory was the greatest since Reagan…which was another lie you told today, and it’s so incredibly easy to debunk it makes me feel sad for your supporters.

Because they’re the ones who will be truly suffering when you finally fuck up enough to where the majority of the people — you know, all those tens of millions of people who voted against you? You know, all those people who, when added up, not only beat you, but beat you like a tattered, racist drum that’s never had to be held accountable for his lies and failures in his life? Those people are going to get what we want — a Democratic congress and you out on your fucking corrupt, puppet ass.

Do me a favor, President Shit Weasel, offer up some evidence. Prove your claims. You say this shit is made up, then prove it. Because from where I’m sitting, we’ve watched three of your closest advisers quit over their inappropriate ties to Russia. Maybe that doesn’t mean anything about the rest of you, but well, as much as you’re given to telling the truth as it is, call me skeptical.

What I really want you to do is your goddamned job. For eight years we listened to you and a lot of other Republicans bitching about how little you thought Obama worked. You made fun of his golf trips. You, asshole, have spent nearly as much time at your “Winter White House,” you know, the luxury property you fucking own — than you have at the real White House. What a two-faced piece of shit you are.

I bet you’ve spent more time since being sworn-in complaining about fake news and boasting about your Electoral College victory than you’ve spent actually doing presidential work. This job isn’t about your ego, asshole. It’s not about your legacy. It’s about you being our servant. And yes, President Shit Weasel, those of us who didn’t vote for you are your boss too. And I cannot wait until we get to fire you.

Dude, just do us all a favor and admit it.

  • You ran to get more press to renegotiate your contract with NBC
  • You never wanted to be president
  • You’re in way over your head
  • You want out

So. Get. The. Fuck. Out.

or

Get. The. Fuck. To. Work.

But no matter what you do…please…

Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

No one cares anymore that Hillary got questions. You won. The election’s over. Please. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Your Boss,

Jambo





Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.



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About James Schlarmann 1138 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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