5 Things The Trump Foundation Can Be Instead Of A Charity

Well, that’s inconvenient…for Donald Trump and his family anyway.

The New York Attorney General has just this morning ordered the Trump Foundation to halt its fundraising efforts in the state. The AG’s reasoning for the order stem from reporting by The Washington Post’s David A. Farenthold in which it was uncovered that Trump has frequently used donations for personal reasons. Farenthold’s reporting has shown that Trump used charity funds to pay for portraits of the alleged billionaire, and even to settle personal legal problems. Perhaps one of the most damning pieces of information to come to light is that Trump hasn’t even donated a single penny to his own foundation in nearly a decade.

On Monday morning, citing “evidence of clear misconduct,” the New York Attorney General ordered the Trump Foundation to stop taking donations in the Empire State, and this made me think…what should everyone at Trump’s charity do now, since they can’t actually be a charity anymore? I came up with a few ideas, and here are five of them now.

5 Things The Trump Foundation Can Be Now Instead Of A Charity

#5. The World’s Largest Producer And Distributor Of “Daddy-Daughter” Adult Movies

Is this one of the easiest jokes to make about Donald Trump? Sure. But you know what? He deserves to be mocked for it every damn day of his life until he dies. Most normal humans don’t find their daughters attractive, and those that do, typically keep quiet about it. Trump, on the other hand, seems to revel in how hot he thinks is daughter is. Me personally, I don’t find the offspring of fascist orange diarrhea mongers attractive, but unto each his own…daughter.

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#4. The World’s Leading Manufacturer Of Tiny, Tiny, Tiny Gloves (And Other Hand Apparel And Fashion)

Who better to advise a company that specializes in hand wear, jewelry and other accessories for men with smaller than average hands? Who better to run a company that makes tiny gloves than a tiny handed orangutan in a suit? In fact, is there anyone on the face of the Earth that is more qualified to helm a company whose primary stock and trade is selling things to men with hands so small they overcompensate for what they feel people must think about them behind their backs by being virulent, spittle-spewing misogynist baby boys? Exactly.

#3. A Rare Russian Nesting Doll Dealer

Trump’s clearly already in bed with Russia anyway. He might as well turn it super-profitable by becoming the one guy given permission by the Russian government and his pal Vladimir Putin to import nesting dolls to the U.S. It’s a выиграть-выиграть situation for both parties!

#2. The Largest American Retailer of Chinese Steel

News moves pretty fast these days. This story literally just broke today, so I’ll just leave this here for you to peruse whenever you see fit…

Newsweek investigation: How Donald Trump ditched U.S. steel workers in favor of China

Plenty of blue-collar workers believe that, as president, Donald Trump would be ready to fight off U.S. trade adversaries and reinvigorate the country’s manufacturing industries through his commitment to the Rust Belt.

#1. Just Another Collection Of Rich, Out Of Touch, Privileged Assholes

To be fair to the Trumps, it’s not like they were anything else before the election. But now that journalists have uncovered that Trump is both a tax cheat and a charity fraudster, ideally they would return to that lifestyle, but a lot worse for the wear, in the eyes of the public anyway. So how about we all just agree that from this point forward, no one considers the Trump Foundation a charity…unless you consider the Trump family people who are in need of charitable donations, but according to Daddy Trump they have more money than God, so…


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About James Schlarmann 1464 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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