Why Don’t We Just Hand Trump’s Intelligence Briefings To An Orangutan With A Megaphone?

Um. No. There is no fucking possible way that Donald J. Trump should be getting daily intelligence briefings.

Let’s just say he hadn’t just invited a foreign government to hack an American citizen’s emails. That in and of itself should disqualify him from the traditional intelligence briefs that all official presidential nominees receive. But even if it didn’t — on what possible planet does it make sense to give a D-List reality-TV clown shoe national security intelligence?

I mean, shouldn’t you be somewhat intelligent to get intelligence briefings?

What a fucking joke this country has become. You’re telling me that the guy who got famous for doing nothing important and just being a rich, loud-mouthed asshole is not only potentially going to be our new president, but now we have to give him our country’s biggest secrets? What?

I shit you not, I could see him just losing his place on the teleprompter during a speech and “improvising” by divulging a secret operation and putting operatives’ lives in danger.

“And, uh, therefore I think it’s really friggin’ smart if we lower taxes on the rich, because…uh…Shit. I forgot, well anyway, we’re spying on every major country using this really cool technology we developed in secret at our facilities in Area 51. Which, by the way, very cool aliens there. Very cool aliens. The best friggin’ aliens you’ve ever seen.”

Starting to make sense why this is a bad idea, yet, America?

The thing is though, he did invite a foreign country to hack our systems. So you can’t really discount that. You have to take that into consideration. I’m no historian, but something tells me that never before has a presidential nominee invited a foreign country to commit cyber terrorism while he’s getting intelligence briefings on subjects that have to include cyber terrorist threats. Even before the Internet Age, this shit is unprecedented.




Imagine if John Kerry had decided to tell Saddamn Hussein to go ahead and hack George W. Bush’s email systems during the 2004 election. Jesus, just imagine any Democrat at any time proposing that a Republican candidate be the victim of international espionage. The outrage from the right would be tremendous.

At this point, if you’re voting for Donald Trump you have to either be an anarchist or a plumb fucking moron. I guess you could be both. This isn’t Mitt Romney we’re talking about here. Mitt may have sold his mother to make a profit, but I can’t see him inviting cyber terror to his rival’s doorstep. In fact, I know he wouldn’t do it, because he didn’t.

I just keep coming back to the fact that the douchebag from “The Apprentice” that no one takes seriously is soon going to become privy to our secrets. I’m probably even more concerned about what happens with those secrets after he loses than after he wins. Because I still have faith in my fellow Americans, and maybe I shouldn’t, to not put control of our government in the hands of this insanely stupid human being.

It’s funny, often times in this election, it’s felt like Trump could almost be a plant for Hillary Clinton. If you know wrestling terminology, he’s the pluperfect heel. And he plays that role to a tee and to the teeth, which he then breathes through like a coked-up yuppie at 2am in a dance club bathroom. Him pretty much telling Russian hackers to attack Hillary fits right into that, doesn’t it? I mean, he’s playing a goddamned cartoon character villain now, isn’t he?

The problem with this jackass is you just can’t tell. Why would he risk imprisonment, and I swear to God if any of us did what he did today we’d be getting a call from the FBI, Secret Service, and NSA, and his business contacts to do this shit? As much as I wish he were a plant, the simple fact is that he’s acting so damn crazy and stupid he’s gone beyond the borders of what what a plant would do, and now it just seems he’s a nutcase with an alleged billion dollars or so to throw around.

Please, America, I don’t care if you vote for Kermit the Frog this November. But please, pretty please with a shitty toupee on top, don’t vote for this walking, talking shart in a terrible suit.

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About James Schlarmann 1207 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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