President-Elect Forrest Trump: What The World Needs Now Is Nukes, Sweet Nukes

You know how conservatives are gloating over progressives’ fears that Donald Trump is a dangerous, unstable,  out of touch, unprepared jackass who could get us all killed? You know how they’re saying we’re just being paranoid (while forgetting, I guess, all their insistence that Obama was secret communist/Kenyan/Socialist/Sharia Loving/homosexual/puppet of George Soros determined to undermine the republic)?

Well the thing about it is, all those fears don’t really subside when the dipshit-elect tweets stuff like this:

Then, as if a tweet from the next most powerful man in the free world about how the most powerful country ever needs to expand our ability to wipe everyone off the earth seventy times over wasn’t scary enough, he goes on “Morning Joe” and…

It’s becoming clearer with each passing day, each tweet, each thing Trump and his team do that what we’re in for as a country is a presidency that is equal parts Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush, but you know, stupider, more reactionary, less intelligent, and completely untethered to any sense of normalcy. Reagan and Bush were by no means good for the country, but there were still enough semi-human parts of their souls still intact to make them seem like decent enough people when they weren’t being idiots. Bush wouldn’t condemn all of Islam in the wake of 9/11 and Reagan even capitulated on tax hikes and stricter gun laws.

Trump and his team are the golem that 25 years of Fox News Conservatism hath wrought.

They don’t care about “facts” because they think “fake news” is anything a news outlet says that they don’t believe. They’ve been told everyone in the country who identifies as liberal hates everything they love about America, and they rather insanely think that every red state was unanimously for Trump, so that in their minds some weird fantasy land exists on this continent where they’ve pushed the scourge of liberalism to the far extreme coasts, while they bask in true liberty and freedom in flyover territory.

I’m not even sure too many Republicans are going to bat an eyelash at the next president’s nuclear saber rattling just hours before Christmas. These people think, truly believe, that Obama somehow weakened our position in the world because he wouldn’t use a term, “radical Islamic terrorism.” They think that Benghazi was somehow worse than the Iraq War, which they believe to this day was justified. When Trump won last month, the shock wave pushed us all back into the Cowboy America days. Mark my words — we’ll be eating freedom fries and getting reminded to pay our buck-o-five constantly over the next four years.

But not even Bush or Reagan pushed for an escalation of nuclear arms. That’s the scary part about Trump’s team. These are the idiots that truly believe nuclear winter is a scenario in which any country, let alone the United States, comes out as the “winner.” These people would prefer nuclear war with Russia over Iran not getting nuclear weapons. Work that out in your head, because I refuse to. The derp-afied logic necessary to make that compute in my head isn’t worth it to me.

At this point, I don’t know that it does any good to point fingers and worry about who is mostly to blame for this situation we’re in, because it’s pretty much everyone’s faults. It’s the DNC’s fault for being tone deaf. It’s Hillary’s fault for being tone deaf and ignoring the rust belt. It’s Trump’s fault for stoking some really ugly things in our country. It’s mostly, though, the people who voted for him’s fault. But again, I don’t know that any of that matters. What matters right now is surviving the next four years, because Trump seems hell bent on upturning everything his advisers want him to.

During the campaign, Trump said he was talking to generals who knew more than the current administration. The scary part is that I’m getting the idea that the generals Trump trusts weren’t really relevant for a reason — they’re older and have antiquated views. Like, for instance, that we need more nukes and not less of them. I can’t help but picture Trump and his group of advisers as the motley gang of politicians and armed forces officials marching the country toward nuclear war in “Dr. Strangelove.” That’s literally the image I have in my head of what their “war room” is going to look like.

In the history of all the world only one country has used a nuclear bomb — the United States of America. In the ensuing decades since, the general feeling about nukes has gone from seeing them as necessary evils, to seeing them as a statement of American might, to seeing them as being an unfortunate consequence of a dangerous and unnecessary arms race between two powerful countries. Trump seems to think the path forward for not just America but the world is to put the Jeep in reverse and drive backward to the days of Eisenhower, Kennedy, and Johnson.

I don’t want another useless war, but I feel like every time we elect a Republican these days, that’s what we get. But what makes this next administration so problematic is that we’re not just talking about your average, run-of-the-mill, ruin everything for no reason except profit or oil kinda war. We’re talking about an administration that doesn’t view nuclear weapons in the same way the majority of us do, and instead sees them as being a wholly justified weapon of choice.

And considering our next president can’t stop lashing  out from his goddamned Twitter account against comedians and the media, I shutter to think what he’s capable of once he gets the big red button within his tiny little grasp.





Then again, what if all these Russian ties are real? What if this is all a calculated move by Putin and the people in Trump’s administration with ties to him to sort of wag the nuclear dog? Maybe the threat of a renewed nuclear arms race is just a way to get us all buzzing about it while they back up the dump trucks to our country’s economy and wholesale steal billions after billions of dollars. I’m not a conspiracy theorist, but part of me hopes the worst we’re talking about is a fully corrupt administration that’s hellbent on making themselves filthy rich off the working class instead of a fully corrupt administration hell bent on pushing the entire planet to the brink of global, nuclear, human extinction because they just love to wave their shriveled old dicks around.

God isn’t America fan-fucking-tastic these days or what?


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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About James Schlarmann 1472 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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