WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last week, when President elect Donald J. Trump (R-Das Vaterland) was in the nation’s capital visiting the White House with outgoing President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya), he also met with Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-Randian Dystopia) to discuss their economic vision for the country.
“The president elect and I met briefly,” Ryan told reporters at a prayer breakfast this week, “to discuss how can present a united Republican economic vision. I handed him a copy of my last four budgets and said we should focus on Social Security. He heartily agreed.”
Ryan says that the first thing he and Trump agreed on was that they needed to draft a list of cat food brands that are both “tasty and nutritious” but also “completely economically feasible” to buy in bulk.
“We need to keep our seniors fed,” Ryan said, “when we gut Social Security and privatize it. That means we’re going to need a ton of delectable but affordable meal options. Clearly, cat food is the best choice since it’s human food-ish and usually made with some really choice ingredients.”
Speaker Ryan told the media that name brand cat foods were “off the table” because of price concerns. He said that instead, seniors were going to be allowed to choose from the store brands available to them locally. If seniors wish to be on a name brand cat food, their Social Security funds will only cover the amount of a generic cat food, and they will be expected to make up the difference themselves.
“Look, Americans of every age are going to have to realize we might be the richest nation ever,” Ryan said, “but we can’t be feeding Grandma and Grandpa Fancy Feast out of our own pockets. Not anymore.”
President elect Trump, gamboling about New York City, was stopped by reporters and asked about his meeting with Ryan. Trump said the meeting went “bigly good” and that he and the Speaker are on the “same page completely.”
“Once Speaker Ryan explained to me what it is a president does again,” Trump said, “I was totally in lock-step with him. We simply cannot keep feeding our seniors as if when we say we’re pro-life that actually means anything. After all, are there no poor houses in the country? Isn’t it better to let them die off and maybe decrease the surplus population?”
President elect Trump won the 2016 presidential election having lost the popular vote by a margin larger than George W. Bush lost to Al Gore in 2000.
Republished from The Political Garbage Chute.
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