Trump Pushing For Universal Healthcare Would Make His Fans So Butthurt I’d Support It

Stethoscope on a printed sheet of paper

I think one way I’m going to keep from putting a gun in my mouth and air conditioning my brains over the next four years will be to troll Trump Lovers at every turn. After all, their Lord, Savior, and Führer-Elect has already broken a handful of key promises he made on the campaign trail, and he hasn’t even been sworn in yet. So between broken promises and the assured cavalcade of head-scratchingly stupid mistakes, something tells me I’m going to have troll-worthy material with this administration to last me eons.

Sometimes it’ll be the stuff he says that puts him in-line with his party that I’ll troll him over. Like when he says we’ll start building and paying for the wall — which makes his supporters squeal with glee — only to turn around and tell us that Mexico will have to pay us back for it…eventually. This I know is a good chance to troll his supporters, even though they’ll equivocate away their shame by calling his promise to build the wall and make those mean ol’ dirty, job stealing Mexicans pay for it was an “opening offer” in some kind of negotiation they really think he’s going to conduct over Twitter.

But other times, I’ll get to troll Trump Lovers with things their nectarine nincompoop says that puts him at direct odds with his party and its base. And those are the times I’m really looking forward to. He’s not even been sworn-in yet and he’s already reneged on his promise to take Hillary Clinton and “lock her up,” and in a recent interview with The Washington Post he said that he’d like to see a replacement for Obamacare that provided “insurance for everyone.”

Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech!

That was the sound of the Trump Train’s brakes being slammed on at a hundred million miles an hour. Am I crazy, or did Donald Trump, the guy who was elected by 62 million anti-government, anti-socialist true-blue American Patriots™, really just tell the world he’d like America to get a system of health care that provided insurance to everybody? I mean, it could be the libtarded remnants of the libtarded thoughts I had yesterday running through my libtarded mind…but am I crazy, or does that sound a hell of a lot like Trump is in favor of universal GOVERNMENT healthcare?

This GIF probably best describes how I reacted when seeing this interview.

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I don’t think there’s a shot in hell that Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell will sign off on this Trumpcare For All plan. But I do think it’ll be tremendously cool watching the GOP eat each other alive over it. And how tasty will it be watching Trump Lovers turn on Mitch and Paul, demanding their government-backed Trumpcare For All? The irony will be utterly delicious, and it could be made a million times more tasty if a few congressional Republicans lose their seats in primaries to Republican upstarts who move to the incumbents’ left and push for Universal Trumpcare as well.

Again, I have no doubt in my mind that Trumpcare will not just be given carte blanche and that Republicans will fight it to the death. But I also can tell that Trump loves being a populist, and he may be far more willing to use his bully pulpit than Obama or Dubya ever were. If he does, he could touch off a full-blown identity crisis within his party, with Republicans in congress scrambling to figure out if they should push for government-controlled healthcare or not.

And meanwhile, all of us on the left can just take a giant step back and watch the fur fly. We can toast their ineffective and feckless governance. It’s the kind of shit show that can and usually does cost a party control of at least chamber of congress. The truth is I’m not such a partisan hack I would lie and say that I’d support Trumpcare if it meant true, universal health care in a single payer setup. When you consider all the butt-hurt Trumpists who would die a thousand deaths as it happened, it makes it even better, doesn’t it?

Sure, it wouldn’t erase the horrific things he said about Mexicans. It wouldn’t suddenly erase the fact that he’s a sexually predatory douchebag. None of the horrible things about Donald Trump go away if he gives us universal health care. I’m not saying it does. I’m just saying it would be a double-ended dildo of delight to ram up the Republican Party’s assholes to not only get universal health care, but to get it by way of the man they thought was going to put a pin in all that crazy liberal talk of taking care of the poor and the sick, like that idiot Jesus guy, right?




So bring on the Trumpcare debate, Republicans. I have popcorn popped and a giant tube of KY. The next four years — or however long Trump lasts — will be truly epic to watch from afar.


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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About James Schlarmann 1463 Articles

Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.

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