Trump Says He Would Not “Bang” Daughter, Just “Give Her the Tip”

*satire*

Following claims that he wants to aggressively copulate with his daughter, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he would only slightly penetrate her if he weren’t her father.

Trump insists he would insert no more than the head of his penis into Ivanka Trump, as opposed to vigorously thrusting his entire manhood over and over again until he climaxes, if she weren’t his offspring.

The GOP frontrunner’s remarks came in response to assertions Trump wants to furiously hump his 34-year-old daughter. Those assertions are based, in part, on a 2006 appearance with Ivanka on The View in which he said, “If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”

Americans were reminded by a recent Rolling Stone interview about the possibility of Trump having a romantic relationship with his child, a former model. The real estate mogul ostensibly joked, “Yeah, she’s really something, and what a beauty, that one. If I weren’t happily married and, ya know, her father…”

This led to The Daily Show airing a segment titled “Don’t Forget: Donald Trump Wants to Bang His Daughter.” In the piece, host Trevor Noah recalls all the times Trump has publicly talked about how fuckable Ivanka is, including the time in 2003 when he bragged on the Howard Stern Show about his daughter’s smoking-hot body.



Trump says some people have mischaracterized his remarks about Ivanka by claiming he wants to “bang” her, maintaining he would be much more gentle in bed with his daughter if he didn’t have a parental relationship with her.

“As many, many, many women already know, I have a yuuuuuge penis,” Trump explained. “If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, and we were dating — which we probably would be, because … just look at her: what a body — I would give her just the tip, and that would be more than enough to satisfy her. I guarantee it.”

The billionaire businessman added that he typically doesn’t “bang” women anyway, insisting he’s too much of a refined sex partner to engage in basal, animalistic coitus, especially with his daughter.

“Everyone knows I’m a classy guy, so I keep it classy, even in the bedroom,” Trump added. “This means, if Ivanka and I were to have sex, there’d be lots and lots and lots of foreplay to get her nice and wet — many, many, many women will tell you I’m the best lover they ever had, by far — and I’d give her the most fantastic, mind-blowing orgasm she’s ever had. But, of course, I won’t, because, you know, she’s my daughter.”


Republished from The Red Shtick.

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About Jeremy White 49 Articles
Jeremy White is an engineer by education, but a smartass by birth, who refused to let his technical background stand in the way of his dream of making fun of people. He's the founder and publisher of the satirical and irreverent humor site TheRedShtick.com
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