This completely satirical story first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.
WASHINGTON. D.C. — In a move sure to send reverberations of shock and uncertainty on the Hill, Co-President Donald Trump has made a move his staff is calling “bold, spectacular, and yuge.” Shortly after sunrise, and shortly after sending a series of tweets accusing the Obama administration of surveillance on his campaign team before he was the Republican nominee, and of unmasking the names of his staff illegally, Trump signed an executive order shuttering the entire U.S. intelligence gathering apparatus, and replacing it with the hosts of “Fox and Friends,” a morning news talk show on Fox News that Trump often references in his early-morning rants.
Since taking office, Mr. Trump has baffled both members of the press and his own party in Congress with his often times wild, evidence-free accusations of wrongdoing against his predecessor. Though both FBI Director James Comey and the publicly-available testimony and evidence from the entire intelligence shows nothing to corroborate his claims, Trump has never backed down from them. Even after extremely questionable behavior from House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes (R-CA) in which Nunes appeared to take intelligence information provided to him by the White House back to the White House in a transparent attempt to clear Trump’s name, the co-president hasn’t relented in his attacks on Obama.
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“I’m signing this order,” Trump said, “because obviously we really don’t need U.S. intelligence forces if they aren’t going to back me up. That’s the job of anyone who works in the government now, make me, Donald Trump, look good, instead of like a piss-haired, inept, corrupt puppet tool.”
Mr. Trump said that there are “tons of really yuge, bigly reasons” to make this move, but the most important reason is to “save a few bucks.”
“Do you know how spendy it is to have this huge, American intelligence apparatus,” Trump said, “that I’m clearly not going to trust or listen to if it involves Russia or doesn’t make me look good?”
Co-President Trump said that Americans shouldn’t worry because he has a “secondary backup plan” just in case the hosts of “Fox & Friends” aren’t good at intelligence gathering and analysis after all.
“We can just borrow the intelligence community of another country,” Trump said, “you know, any country really. Pick any country out of a hat, like say, oh, I don’t know…Russia, okay? We’ll just borrow Russia’s intelligence community, and we don’t have to pay for it since they’re already paying me — Wait. What?”
During the early morning tweetstorm, Trump also once again brought up that Donna Brazille, current acting Democratic National Committee Chair, and former CNN contributor, provided Hillary Clinton with a debate question during the Democratic Primary. Trump, signing the order this morning, brought up that story once more.
“You know, I was talking to a comrade — excuse me — friend,” Trump said while scrawling his name in giant black crayon onto the order, “and he said that he finds it very veselaya that all the Yankee free press is focusing on the details of this FAKE NEWS RUSSIA STORY instead of Hillary during the Democratic primary when she wasn’t even my competition.”
Such amazing reporting on unmasking and the crooked scheme against us by @foxandfriends. “Spied on before nomination.” The real story.
Did Hillary Clinton ever apologize for receiving the answers to the debate? Just asking!
Co-President Trump once again reiterated that the “Russian thing is FAKE NEWS,” but that the leaks are still bad.
“Sure,” Trump said, “it might seem logical to believe that if the whole Russia thing was actually FAKE NEWS that I wouldn’t really care about the leaks. Not to this degree, anyway. I mean, why would I care so badly? Why would I keep dragging up all this stuff from the election? Why wouldn’t I just focus on my job, let the investigation play out, and stop responding to everything until all the evidence is in unless I was truly scared of what was going to be uncovered? Honestly, the more I talk it out right now, the more suspicious I am of myself. I should probably call Vlad and — Wait. What was I saying?”
This is a developing story.