This satire first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.
SCHEIßE GESICHT, GERMANY — Clem O’Connell, a fairly well-known right-wing podcaster, YouTube content producer, avid Trump supporter, and public defender of Confederate monuments, statues, and flags, has been recording his shows from Europe this week. Clem told his audience that the tension in America has gotten too much for him to handle, and he was in need of a vacation. The events in Charlottesville, Virginia at a white nationalist rally “disturbed and saddened” him.
“I’m disturbed and saddened,” Clem said, “that so many people in this country are as upset about a woman being plowed over by a car in the streets as they are about liberals trying to erase our sacred history! Sure, a woman died, and I ain’t sayin’ that’s a good thing, fam, but where’s all the outrage and ire from Americans over people taking down that statue of General Lee? Won’t anyone think of the statues’ feelings?”
His sadness over seeing “good, clean, ammo-hoarding, God fearing, Nazi salute throwing patriots” having to defend statues of Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson made Clem realize he wanted a break, he says. So, he hopped online and saw that tickets to Germany were at a price he could afford. He bought two — one for him, and one for his wife and cousin — and they were off.
“I was pretty excited,” Clem said, “because I don’t leave America often. Why would I? But I just had to try me some German chocolate cake and German beer! I also wanted to see the World War II landmarks.”
Clem is a big fan of history. Two of his favorite subjects are the American Civil War and World War II. When he started touring the Germany, however, Clem says he was “shocked and confused” by a lack of monuments and statues to the leaders of the Nazi Party.
“Fam, I’ve been here in German Land for about two days now,” Clem told his podcast audience, “and I haven’t seen a single, solitary Nazi flag or statue of Hitler. Isn’t that weird? Have they never heard of heritage?”
O’Connell told his audience that he was so confused by the lack of public displays and monuments to Hitler and the Nazis that he started asking every German he met where he could find them.
“And you know, those uppity Krauts didn’t tell me where a single one was! They’d just either laugh, or call me stupid, or ask why anyone would want to commemorate dishonorable people when we have history books and museums to record their existences in,” Clem said angrily, adding, “What a bunch of cucks!”
Over the course of a couple of days, Clem was surprised to find that even though he couldn’t find any plaques, statues, or other commemorative installments related to the Nazis or Hitler, that every German he spoke to was still aware of the war, and of the man who led the Third Reich.
“I gotta say that was pretty unbelievable to me,” Clem said, “because I know for a fact if we were to take down all the confederate monuments people in our country would literally forget about the Civil War. People would just look at you like, ‘What confederacy? What war? How do I wipe my ass? What’s two plus two?’ And not a single one would know the answer is five!”
Up next on Clem’s European vacation? Italy.
“I can’t wait to see all the monuments to see all the statues of Mussolini,” Clem exclaimed.