A Case For Making Trump Supporters Our First Martian Pioneers

When I decided to spent serious creative energy “covering” American politics I gave myself two rules that I’m pretty proud to say I’ve managed to only break a couple of times in about five years.

  1. Never treat my opinion as fact (Because there are enough Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity douchebags in the world already)
  2. Never predict anything (Because Truman beat Dewey, Gore won the popular vote in 2000, etc. Shit is too cray to try and predict)

That being said, I think at this point the only people who think Donald Trump is going to win in November are the die-hards. The people who have a vested interest in staying willfully ignorant of how real polling (not online polls) work will keep shoving their heads further down in to the sand and up inside their colons, but the rest of us can look the polls and Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight predictions and take comfort knowing that barring some kind of utter catastrophic collapse on Hillary Clinton’s part, Trump The Walking, Talking Hemorrhoid will be lanced.

But that will still leave us to deal with his supporters. We have to figure out what to do with everyone who genuinely thought it was a good idea to give a racist, misogynist, lying, coke-fueled dummy dipshit the nuclear codes. I’m not one for the “love it or leave it” shit, but I think we can all agree it’s in everyone’s best interests if we find placement for the hardcore Trumputians elsewhere. Hell, I doubt many of them will feel comfortable living in a country that hands the woman they seemingly hate more than the black guy in the Oval Office they realllllllly hated for nearly a decade the biggest electoral college landslide victory, perhaps ever.

So what do we do with them?

I say we play to their faux-patriotism and convince them all to be new pilgrims on a truly epic and exciting adventure and get them to sign up to go to Mars. Think about it. These people have a nearly sexual relationship with the Pilgrims that came here from England. And just like those religious zealots, Trumpeters’ country mates are over their religous kookery. We’re tired of people who think their skin color is something to list on their resume. We’re tired of people who deny science unless it’s to tell us life begins at erection. We’re tired of, well, their shit, and clearly they’re tired of all this multicultural melting pot action that is what actually makes America great already.

Let’s just tell them they can name the first place they set their foot down on New Plymouth, and hell, let’s tell them they can even live tax free on Mars. I’d be more than willing to help shoulder the tax burden of any brave Trump fan who stepped up and volunteered to boldly go somewhere far, far the fuck away from us. Wouldn’t you?

In fact, if they promised to volunteer for this mission, I’d tell them they could ignore anything in our Constitution or the 230 or so years that have followed its adoption that they wanted to. Don’t like gay marriage? Fine. Gay Martian Americans have to settle for Domestic Martian Partnership. Wanna keep all the dirty Mexicans off of Mars? Okay, fine, we’ll let you build a wall around Mars, but you have to pay for it yourself. Pretty much I’d be willing to give them whatever they wanted to convince them to sign-up for a mission to the red planet.

I’ve always thought that if it weren’t for slavery, maybe letting the Confederacy stay gone would have been the better choice. By now, they’d have seen their economies collapse anyway, given that the overwhelming majority of red states take way more in federal aid than they give back in federal tax receipts. But even if they hadn’t, imagine how much easier and better life would be. It’s pretty much the red states that fought to keep Jim Crow alive. It’s the red states that have been trying to erase Roe V. Wade. It’s red states that fought marriage equality the hardest, and it’s red states that are writing idiotic bathroom laws for transgender people now.

So yeah, let ’em go.




I don’t even care that they’d be lauded as “heroes” in some circles. I am literally willing to pay any price to get as many Trump supporters onto as many Mars-bound rockets as possible. At the end of it all, appealing to their love of the pilgrims, or the pioneers who moved our country’s borders west (while maybe, possibly engaging in just a smidge/a fuck ton of genocide on the natives in the process) may just get them to gleefully sign their Jethro McCousinfucker on the dotted line and get them one step closer to off our planet.

As far as I can tell, it’s the best option we’ve got. It could play on their sense of national pride. It’ll trade on their love of the Founders and the Pilgrims before them. It could be another giant leap for mankind. I happen to think the prospect of an unsettled, lawless and government-free existence would appeal to a whole lot of rugged individuals, yearning to breathe free…through an oxygenated helmet.

Oh, and I almost forgot, it’s a one-way ticket. You don’t think they’ll mind, do you?

None of us will.


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

Comments

comments

Advertisement

About James Schlarmann 1172 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
Twitter Auto Publish Powered By : XYZScripts.com