You Know Who Says Shit Like “Grab ‘Em By The Pussy?” Guys Who Can’t Get Laid.

I’m a comedian. I have been said or heard some very vile, repugnant-ass-shit in my day. When you go up in front of a room full of strangers, you need to feel completely untethered by social mores, and you need to feel like you can say what you need to say because context is vital in comedy. So believe me, the disgust I feel for Donald Trump over the Trump Tapes isn’t over the word “pussy” or even the idea of someone degrading a woman to the point of implying her only value is in her sexuality.

In fact, in my young and stupid youth I spoke about women in horrific ways. Not always, and certainly not to their faces. But among my friends, sure, I would say things that I should be and am now extremely embarrassed by. I’m not saying I said anything that rose to the level of “grab ’em by the pussy,” and I damn sure never joked about taking a woman by force…because I’m not a rapey, insecure man-child.

I’m just saying that I know what it’s like to utter basic misogynist bullshit and try to couch it as “humor” to justify it.

I was a piece of shit when I’d say those things. But I was acting like a piece of shit, I think, out of sexual frustration. I wasn’t getting laid, so clearly I had an ax to grind against ever woman ever, right? And again, my ax never included taking it to the assault level; but sure, I’d joke about a woman’s worth being essentially for sex and not much else. In thinking about the infamous Trump Tapes, it hit me this week that Trump’s behavior was like mine all those years ago in my single and desperate days, but cranked up to 11 and on some seriously good coke.

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Yes, it’s cliche as fuck. This notion that when a man hits a low tide moment in his sexual conquests he would lash out against women. It’s really petty and stupid, and of course now I realize I probably gave off an air of un-fuckability so any woman who was smart enough to stay the hell away from me during those low, low times was doing themselves and humanity a favor by avoiding even the smallest risk of procreating with me where I was as a person at the time.

Keep in mind, I’m not excusing Trump or me. In fact, I’m just trying to find a context for his asshole-ness that can be illustrative and instructive for the rest of us. Clearly, Donald Trump has an innate difficulty in getting laid. This would explain his lifetime of misogyny and womanizing. I know, that sounds weird — someone who has problems getting laid being a serial cheater with the stubbiest, most ineffectual wandering dick ever — but it’s true, I think.

To clarify, what I mean to say is that absent his wealth, fame, and power, Trump couldn’t get laid. Not by any woman with even a modicum of self-respect. Who in their right minds would fuck a guy who thinks he can act like a neanderthal and drag women around by the vagina when he wants to bed them? The only logical explanation for the Trump Tapes is that this was a man who had gotten extremely comfortable mitigating his preternatural inability to make time with the ladies by aggressively taking it from them, and then trying to salve it money, of course.

Trump is the Scrooge McDuck of sexual assault and misogyny. He truly believes his money entitles him to be a sexual predator. That’s a level of depravity I’ve never felt, nor ever seen expressed on any comedy stage I or others have performed on. I have every confidence that if Trump could actually get laid by his own devices, the Trump Tapes wouldn’t even exist.

His undeniable lack of skill with women is on full display all over the place. Just today I read a story about him barging in on teenage beauty pageant contestants. He’s fucking depraved. And not in a fun way; in a horrific way. In an entitled way. In a very, very rape-tastic way. I’m not saying rape is about lack of sex. It’s not. It’s about power. And domination. What I am saying is the words, the misogynistic rhetoric he used to excuse away his sexual assault is a sure-fire sign of his abysmal abilities to land a mate without coaxing her into it with a…certain lifestyle, shall we say?




The good news, for me, is that more than a decade out from my dark times I can see how wrong I was. That perspective keeps from ever doing it again, thank God, but it also lets me see very clearly that Donald Trump is just as much the insecure barely post-adolescent male inside that I was all those years ago. I’m thankful that I have come out of the darkness on that one. I’m really grateful to not be counted among those trying to equivocate for Trump by saying “all men talk this way.”

The thing is — some do. Some men really do talk and think that way. I can say this as someone who would dabble in the debasement of women when I was feeling really low about myself I can say without any hesitance that the men who do talk this way don’t have any business being president. That’s a job for someone who values the basic human dignity of all people, regardless of their gender.

Donald Trump doesn’t value his own dignity enough to leave his phone off at 3am so he can’t tweet horrific shit. So if you think he respects anyone else’s dignity, I have oceanfront property in Iowa to sell you. Poor Trump; if only he wasn’t so baseline repulsive to women, maybe he’d have gotten lucky a few times without his money sealing the deal, and he’d be in a lot more competitive place in the polls right about now. But he’s not…

Oh well. Fuck him.


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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About James Schlarmann 1472 Articles
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.
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