It’s Going To Be A Long Four Years Explaining How The First Amendment Works To Trumpers

I’ve said for a long time that one of the most beautiful and poetic bits of irony I see on the American political landscape is that those who profess to love the Constitution most also happen to hate it the most when people they don’t like use it. I mean that on both the extreme left and right sides of the aisle, too. Everyone hates the Bill of Rights until they need it, as it were. But boy howdy are Trump voters taking things to hilariously ironic heights over the “Not My President” protests going on all over the country, mostly in large cities that — surprise, surprise, didn’t vote for Trump.

Firstly, it’s really very simple, Trump voters, why people are protesting. More of us voted for someone other than Trump. In fact, that woman you keep chanting to have locked up for a reason you can’t really name specifically? She got more votes than he did. So there is some justifiable outrage. I know that you guys love your Electoral College wins, since you’ve needed them two out of the last three times, but that’s kinda like taking your sister to two different proms. And that’s — oh wait. I get it now.

Okay, that was a low blow. But my point is simple — a shit load of people hate the guy you just elected. I know for certain you can relate because for the last eight years you haven’t shut up about it. Seriously, do you think all your anger and animosity toward President Obama went unnoticed? You guys called him the Golfer in Chief from the start and your political leaders conspired to literally block everything he tried and to make him a failure and one-term president. So please, spare us all the sanctimonious hand wringing, would you?

If you can remember how angry you were in 2008 and 2012, imagine if your nominees had actually gotten more votes than your opponent did and you still lost. I know, it happens so rarely that you win the popular vote these days that you might not remember how it feels, but it’s pretty much the biggest slap in the face to know your candidate got more votes but because of an arcane deal made with slave states more than 200 years go, you actually ended up losing.



It’s like breaking the tie in the bottom of the Nnnth and then losing because you happen to be playing in a ballpark where the ground rules are that the lowest score wins. It makes no sense, right? Of course it doesn’t. You’re going to argue it does, but in 2016, it simply does not make sense.

But honestly? This is something I think Trump supporters need to learn and assimilate into their consciousnesses immediately: You don’t need to have a fucking reason to protest. Ever. As long as it’s a peaceful one, you can protest there being two sides to every coin. You can protest gravity. You can protest evolution, which Trump himself sort of disproves anyway. And it’s all protected by the Constitution provided, again, you’re not being a toolbag and getting violent with your protest.

So yeah, those people setting fire to shit? They’re not doing it right. But people marching through the street chanting “Not my president” are fully within their rights to do exactly that. Sorry, not sorry, Trumpers. Of course, I might might be the only liberal willing to call Trump my president, even though I’d have rather jerked off a rhino and drank its ejaculate before I voted for him. And you might be wondering why, so I’ll tell you.

If he’s my president, he’s not my boss. I’m his. That’s right, Trumpers, this liberal gets how the Constitution and the presidency actually works. Since I’m willing to accept the outcome of a bunch of my mislead, ill-informed, sadly paranoid fellow countrymates’ irrational decision and embrace the fact that a tax dodging, orange-faced buffoon is now my president, I get to insult, criticize, chastise, belittle, bemoan, and disrespect the man as much as I want to.

He’s not a king. And even if he was, in this country, we’re allowed, thanks to the First Amendment, to do all those things. I can’t threaten his life (I never would), and I can’t incite others to do so (again, never would), but outside of that, I can call him a bloviating, bewigged sack of shit, and I can do it in the middle of the sidewalk if I want to, with a massive sign that calls him worse, and you literally cannot do anything about it, provided I’m not being violent or inciting it. If you don’t like that fact, I’d suggest finding your nearest bug-eyed scientist and wacky kid, get them to put you in their nuclear powered DeLorean, and take you back in time to when they were drafting the Constitution so you can stop them from creating all that freedom of expression you find so repulsive now.

The bottom line is so fantastically simple: Special snowflake Trump supporters have no reason to complain and ask for a safe space from dissenting points of view. Who do they think they are, the college kids they mock for wanting the same things on their campuses?

What a laugh.


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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About James Schlarmann 1453 Articles

Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.

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