NEW YORK, NEW YORK — While enjoying lunch in his New York City apartment, Republican presidential candidate Donald J. Trump spoke candidly to reporters about the Republican National Convention, which just wrapped-up last night. In particular, Trump opened up about of the key aspects of last night’s events, which culminated in his acceptance of the nomination. In particular, Trump addressed the wind that was seeming to blow his daughter Ivanka’s hair around a bit during her introduction of the alleged businessman.
“I really wanted Ivanka looking her absolute most gorgeous,” Trump said while snacking on a BLT with extra mayo, “and believe me, she always looks stunning. Almost too stunning for her dad, if you know what I mean.” It was fairly certain to reporters that Mr. Trump did not mean it in the way that 99% of other fathers would say such a thing, and when he made the universal finger-in-finger hole hand gesture, the mystery was solved.
In order to make Ivanka “look her absolute most friggin’ hot,” Trump said, they decided to treat her speech like a photoshoot, and they brought in wind machines. But the Trump camp found very quickly that the wind machine they had purchased from Bob’s Wind Machine and Shaved Ice Emporium just outside Cleveland just did not have enough power to blow a consistent stream of wind onto Ivanka during her speech.
“So I called my guys — the best guys — and I had them come up with ways we could crank up the juice on this friggin’ thing,” Trump said. The engineers he hired found that when Trump was practicing his acceptance speech, every time he would use fear mongering rhetoric, the lights in the room would get a little brighter, and the coffee machine in the back of the auditorium started making coffee twice as fast.
The engineer team presented their findings to Trump, who reportedly was quite pleased with the development.
“I was planning on ginning up paranoia and fear quite a lot during my speech,” Trump said, “so we were in luck. I’m so glad I had my speechwriters — the friggin’ best speechers, as I call them, that we could find — dial-up the fear another notch on their last run through. The wind really was quite nice, don’t you think? Made her go from a 10 to a 10-plus! So friggin’ hot!”
The Trump engineers have since told the alleged billionaire that they have enough fear mongering energy stored up after his speech to “power the entire known universe forever.” Trump plans to package and sell that energy to China “for yooooge profits.”