It’s Valentine’s Day! Every year on this day, we buy the people in our lives that we love the very most some trinkets, candies, and a nice meal. We do so in hopes that they’ll know how much they are loved, and also that they’ll feel a little more willing to do the kinky sex stuff we want them to try that night. But, you know, it’s still all about love or whatever.
Did you know that even presidents give Valentine’s gifts? It’s true! And after we reached out to the White House, they provided us with a list of five people that Sub-President Trump intends to send presents to.
#5. Vladimir “Pooty” Putin
Of course Trump would send a valentine to his one and only shirtless Russian betrothed! If it weren’t for Vlad, who knows if all those slack-jawed yokels who voted for him because they thought Hillary’s email server was a big deal only to see Trump’s people use a personal email server and discuss national security events — like North Korea launching a ballistic missile — out in the open would have actually voted for him? And don’t think Vlad won’t reciprocate. He knows Trump is the best gift his country could have ever given itself, so he’ll be sure to give his Darling Orange One something really special for Valentine’s Day this year.
#4. Ivanka “Daughter I’d Like To Fuck” Trump
There is no way that he’d forgive himself if Donny forgot to give his daughter something special on this day. He likes to give her something very personal and very special every chance he gets, but Ivanka has been getting a lot of headaches lately. This frustrates our sub-president. But he knows if he plays his cards right, at least once a year he can count on some action from his First Lady — er First Daughter.
#3. Confederate President Jefferson Davis
Of course Jeff Davis is dead. He’s been dead for almost 150 years. But what better what to pander to his base than for Donny to send a Valentine’s Day card to one American president most of them love, admire, and respect. After all, it’s the Confederate Flag lovers who generally voted for the orange bastard. We all know they see Trump’s election as some kind of “South shall rise again” bullshit. So Trump should just embrace that idea and send a love note to the guy who led the charge to keep slavery legal.
#2. Kellyanne Conway
If Donny can send a card to a dead president, he can surely send a card to one of his top advisers who’s just dead inside, right? Now, some people are starting to view Kellyanne more as a scheming, power-hungry, willing accomplice to Trump’s dumbfuckery, and others are still in the camp that believes she’s trapped and wants out. All I know is that every interview she does now makes her seem like the light inside her has gone out. Maybe a Valentine from her boss will turn that wall-eyed frown upside down.
#1. Donald Trump
Honestly, who does Donald Trump love more than Donald Trump? The answer is of course, “Literally nobody.” You can’t even say he loves his kids more than he loves himself because no one who actually loves their kids even remotely jokes about fucking one of them. Wife Three may some trinket or another, but she won’t be any different from Wife Two or Wife One in that regard. No, Donny loves Donny most. So of course he’ll get out his executive order pen and sign a little card to himself, thanking himself for being such a bigly winner with huge hands, normal looking skin and hair that knows how to be president and isn’t fucking up on a near constant basis.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.